O ne of my favorite novelists, Khaled Hosseini, who wrote the powerful and lyrical and hauntingly beautiful books, “The Kite Runner” and “A Thousand Splendid Suns,” once said:  “Describe things as better than they are and you’ll be called a ROMANTIC; describe them as worse than they are and they’ll call you a REALIST; describe them as exactly as they are and you’ll be thought of as a SATIRIST.”

I believe Novelists Amy Tan and John Steinbeck both said that, too.  So did Novelist Quentin Crisp.

So, Dear Readers, with that in mind, what follows is then a satire.  Because the words that were quoted are EXACTLY as they were uttered.  But so as not to offend the effeminate sensibilities of some of my non-Barako readers, I used ellipsis on some of the words that were used in this tale. 

And believe or not, this is a true tale.  It’s American history as recorded by historians and investigative journalists.  Here it is.  Happy reading.

It was the first day of school in USA and a new student from India named Chandrasekhar Subramarian entered the fourth grade class of Miss Sandra Jones.

Miss Jones said, “All right class, let’s begin by reviewing American History.  Who said, ‘Give me liberty or give me death?’”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up.  “Patrick Henry,” he said.

“Very good,” said Miss Jones.  “Who said, ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from this earth?’”

Again, no response from the class, except from Chandrasekhar, who said, “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”

Miss Jones snapped at her class, “You should be ashamed.  Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you all do.” 

She heard a loud whisper, “F… the Indians.”

“Who said that?” she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put up his hand and said, “General Custer, 1862.”

At that point, a student in the back row, said, “I am gonna puke.”

The teacher glared at the class, looked around and asked, “All right, who said that?”

Again, Chandrasekhar said, “George W. Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah, suck this!”

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair, waving his hand and shouting to the teacher the answer, “Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinski, 1997!”

Now with mob hysteria, someone said to Chandrasekhar, “You little sh.., if you say anything else, I’ll kill ya!”

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Michael Jackson, to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004!!!”

Miss Jones fainted.

“Oh, sh..!  We’re screwed!” the class said in chorus.

Chandraheksar said quietly, “THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, November 4, 2008 . . .” 

PS: By the way, this was sent to me by “TDB,” a cyberspace friend from Virginia and a SATIRIST, like me, but in many ways, more prolific than me. JJ