By Jesse Jose

A Cup O’ Kapeng Barako

W hat a big joke!  It’s true.  America’s aviation security and its intelligence network, world-wide, is a big joke, like a big balloon, full of hot air.  But let me tell this story first.  It’s true.  It happened.  I swear.   

Not too long ago, I visited my mother, who lives in Florida.  At the curbside of SeaTac Airport, my wife dropped me off.  I gave her a kiss, and then went inside.  With my boarding tickets in one hand and my small carry-on bag in the other, I followed a long line that leads to the airport’s security.

I grabbed a gray plastic container, removed my cowboy boots, my belt with the big buckle, my blue blazer, my watch, my wallet, some loose change from my pockets … and placed them all in this container.  Then I pushed this container on little metal wheels and watched it rolled away into a tunnel-like machine.  Then I walked slowly through a narrow rectangular gate.

No problem. I got through without setting off any alarms.

Then a goofy-looking guy in a Transportation Security Administration (TSA) uniform on the other side of this little “tunnel” told me to step aside as I would be patted down and “wanded” and my bags searched further.

Now, me, always the wise ass in situations like this, asked this goofy-looking guy: “Why?”

“We saw a couple of things that we consider as dangerous weapons in your carry-on bag.  Open your bag, so we can confiscate them,” he ordered.

“If there’s a weapon in my bag, it’s not mine….” I said.  I was getting hot under my collar now … and SCARED that I am going to be mistakenly arrested as a terrorist and get thrown in jail with Muslim terrorists and jihadists.  With my fertile and cynical imagination working in overdrive, perhaps, I thought, even shipped to that CIA-run prison in Gitmo Bay, Cuba, and tortured!  Water boarded and all, deprived of sleep with pit bulls and CIA interrogators growling at me, grilling me with Gestapo-like questions.

Cowed by that thought, I obediently unzipped my bag and removed my clothes and underwear that I would be wearing during my three-day stay in Florida with my mom.  Finding not any so-called “weapons,” I asked the goofy-looking guy, “So what weapons are you talking about here?

“Open you little black bag there and dump all its contents on the counter,” he said.

“You mean my douche bag?” I said.

Despite of my fear of getting arrested, I was getting mad as hell, too, that I almost said to this goofy-looking guy, “What da f---k for?”  But I shut my mouth and kept my cool, and dumped instead, angrily, the contents of my douche bag.

Then he picked out my little MUSTACHE SCISSORS and two little tubes of ‘Just For Men’ mustache coloring gel, and said, “I am confiscating these.”

“Those are dangerous weapons!  WHAT A BIG JOKE!” I exclaimed in total disbelief.  “That pair of scissors is for trimming my mustache with and these two gels are for coloring.”

“The scissors can be used to threaten passengers with physical harm, if you’re a terrorist,” the goofy-looking guy said.  “And the gels could be mixed with some other chemicals to make an IED bomb to blow up the plane.”

“I am no Muslim terrorist,” I hissed at him in quiet anger.

“WHAT A BIG JOKE!!!” I screamed.  Of course, I screamed those words after I’ve gathered my things, put on my boots, belt and blazer … and was madly running down the crowded aisle of the airport to the gate, where I would catch my cross-country flight.  And I made it just before they shut the door of the plane on me.  Huffing and puffing and sweating, I handed my boarding tickets to the ground stewardess, who sweetly said, “Have a good flight, sir.”

I kid y’all NOT.  That story is true.

THE ‘UNDERWEAR’ TERRORIST: I suppose you’ve  all heard about this Nigerian boy, named “Barok” something, with a last name that sounds like “Abdul-Full-Of-Muta” (heck, I can’t spell all them Muslim-sounding names), who as y’all know almost blew up a Northwest plane bound for Detroit, Michigan, on Christmas Day.  This flight originated from Nigeria to Amsterdam to Detroit, with 300 passengers on it.

As security experts have said: “For all intents and purposes, Northwest Flight 253 exploded in midair …”  That’s true.

Okey ngarud, but how did Abdul-Full-Of-Muta get on board that plane when all kinds of red flags had already come up that this boy was a potential  terrorist … targeted and spotted, and HIGHLY-SUSPECTED as one?

A ccording to intelligence gathered days before Christmas from Yemen, a country where several Al-Qaida terrorists are based, their leaders there were talking about “a Nigerian” being prepared for a terrorist attack.

Barok Full-Of-Muta, the “Nigerian” came to the full attention of U.S. Intelligence officials when his father, a rich banker and a former member of the Nigerian government, went to the U.S. Embassy in Lagos last month to report that his son had expressed radical and dangerous views and had traveled to Yemen several times.

The Embassy then sent a cable to Washington and Barok’s name was entered in a database where he was listed as a “person of interest,” whose multiple-entry visa to America should be “revoked.”  If that was the case, why didn’t the U.S. Embassy people in Lagos revoke his visa?

But THAT didn’t happen, as we all know now.  They were not able to connect the dots … the exact replica of NOT being able to, before the 9/11 catastrophic attack on America.  

And simply that tells me that aviation security and the intelligence network, world-wide, and Homeland Security kuno here in America is a BIG JOKE, staffed by well-paid jesters and morons.

Janet Napolitano, America’s Homeland Secretary, one of those “tax-evaders” appointed by BHO into his cabinet, said that “the system has worked really very, very smoothly over the course of the past several days.”  And Robert Gibbs, BHO’s spokesman, used exactly the same words, saying that “in many, many ways, this system has worked.”

Really?  WHAT A BIG JOKE!  What system is that?  The “Bahala-Na-Kayo-Diyan” system?  The reason Northwest Flight 253 did NOT explode in midair was because Barok Full-Of-Muta’s intent was foiled and he was jumped on by passengers and crew members … and the fire that he started that burned portions of the walls of the plane was contained quickly by fire extinguishers on board.

How did he get the explosives on board?  According to security experts, he hid the components of those explosives in his UNDERWEAR!  That weren’t detected by the X-ray machines, approved and installed by security experts kuno.  WHAT A BIG JOKE!

A ‘PEEPING’ MACHINE: Now check this out:  These same security know-it-all experts are proposing to install something better daw in detecting explosives hidden underneath clothings.  The machines will show videos of your naked form and will detect whatever foreign objects you’re carrying next to your skin.  But if you’re OBESE, the machines cannot detect what’s behind the folds of your fat flesh. 

Nor can the machines detect objects stowed in bodily orifices!  Men have two of these orifices; women have three.  WHAT A BIG JOKE!  If that happens, the Al-Qaida will simply recruit more women airline bombers, because of that advantage … don’t y’all think?

So, if that PEEPING MACHINE won’t be passed by Congress and approved by President Obama because of PRIVACY CONCERNS, what are we going to do to improve aviation security?

My son, Jonathan said, we can all just remove and show our underwear to the TSA screeners, since that’s where Barok Abdul Full-Of-Muta hid the explosives that almost blew up that plane.

Really, I thought that makes sense, because … remember Richard Reid?  (No relations to Harry Reid, the Senate Majority Leader).  Yeah, the shoe bomber from eight years ago, the one who hid his explosives in the sole of his shoes, and the reason why we now have to remove our shoes to be X-rayed?  Remember him? 

So, together with our shoes, belts, jackets, wallets and whatever we have in our pockets, let’s also remove our UNDERWEARS and put ‘em into that container.  In that way, perhaps, we would be able “to defeat” (President Obama’s words) America’s enemies.   Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Hah!  I tell ya, air security is a BIG JOKE, indeed, like a big balloon, full of hot air.  Happy New Year, folks!  It’s the Year of the Tiger. America: Let’s roll … and roar with laughter at the BIG JOKE.  JJ