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Columns - A Cup O' Kapeng Barako
Tuesday, 22 December 2009 22:49


By Jesse Jose

A Cup O’ Kapeng Barako 
      

Laugh, and the world laughs with you; weep, and you weep alone. – Ella Wheeler Wilcox (1883)

 

F irst this … and this is about Pakyaw.  There was a blurb on him in this Sunday’s (Dec. 20) issue of Parade magazine, the supplemental insert that all newspapers here in America get to have.  Did y’all see it?  It was on page two, in the Personality Parade section.  There was a mugshot of Pakyaw there, and below it are these words: “Pacquiao: Lord of the ring.”

 

Then this question that was asked by a New Yorker, named Rick Digno: “After winning his recent fight, Manny Pacquiao got his welterweight belt and another belt studded with diamonds.  Why?”

 

Parade’s answer: “Pacquiao, who has won an unprecedented seven weight-class titles, fought Miguel Cotto at a catch weight – a boxing terminology for a subdivision within a weight class – of 145 pounds.  The diamond belt was a special award for the catch-weight title.  Some skeptics saw the bout as a way for the World Boxing Council, the promoters, and HBO to make extra money.  We’re thinking they might have a point.”

 

In other words, PALABAS lang!  Like a FPJ movie production.  It’s all about money.  Exactly like what California Fil-Am journalist Bobby Reyes had said numerous times in his writings.  That I echoed in this Barako column quite a few times, too. 

 

But this is now MOOT.  Tapos na ang boksing, ika nga.  I just want to bring out the fact that Parade, a well-read and credible, national magazine and an institution here in America, voiced out the same opinion on Pakyaw fights to that of LOLO Bobby Reyes’ … and of yours truly.

 

LET’S LAUGH: Pasko na.  Let’s make merry.  Yes, indeed, let’s “laugh, and the world laughs with you; weep, and you weep alone.”

 

It’s an old saying. Ella Wheeler Wilcox, who said it, was a genius, a thinker and a sage. She understood the world and what it needed.  And what this world sorely needs, ever more so, is laughter.  Especially laughing at yourself.  And in my case, laughing at cretin-like comments hurled at me.

 

In writing my Kapeng Barako column and telling it like it is, I get cussed at and called all sorts of names and even threatened with physical harm.  And … I get talked about daw.  Dirty talk.  Mean-spirited talk.  Graphic talk.  Talks that snowballed and turned me practically, comically, into a LEGEND.  Maybe I am a sado-masochist.  Maybe I am crazy.  Or maybe, I am even a “sociopath,” as one of my readers said of me recently. 

 

Because, you see, I love to laugh at people who curse at me or who put the curse on me or wish my demise from this earth.  My demise, your demise, or anybody else’s demise is all within “God’s own time.”  It’s always been His call.  NEVER from the whispered wishes of witches … nor from the call of cretins and clowns.

 

But, really, I think these people are a bunch of cowards because they all do their pernicious deeds from afar, through emails, and ANONYMOUSLY, at that. They won’t reveal their true names and true selves. They would rather grovel in the shadows among their own kind.

 

And I can only pity and laugh at these people, like this one, who called himself, “Brian RoughSODy.”  I am sure it’s a fictitious name. The word, “sod,” I told him, means feces.  Or … that good old American word that also begins with a letter “S,” uttered with an exclamation point to express disgust.

 

Anyway, this is what RoughSOD sent to me that he BCC’d daw to his circle of 25 friends, quoted en toto and verbatim, misspelled words, incorrect punctuations, grammatical errors, warts and all.  Get ready to laugh.  Here goes:

 

To JesseJose,

 

Below WAS an actual email conversation between 2 guys ABOUT YOU.  (About 25 people received the blind copy of this email)

 

1st Guy:

“This JJ’s ego could have swallowed the asteroid that killed off the dinos.  Besides being an egomaniac, he also sports paranoia, megalomania and a self-agrandizing monomania – needs his head and balls professional shrunk. 

 

“I would have asked, “who is this guy anyway”, but it’s not worth it.”

 

2nd Guy’s reply:

“This guy is a vain retired US navy man, who forgot he’s a Filipino and whose vile salty language belies his claim of having gone in several institutions of higher learning.

 

“You both know him through his Kapeng Barako writings which will hereafter be discontinued in the FilamMegaScene weekly paper in Chicago.”

 

Truthfully,

Brian RoughSODy

 

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!  Yes, Dear Readers, I laughed, I howled, I guffawed when I read that.  Surely, RoughSOD will need an army of professional “balls-shrinkers” to shrink my balls.  Because I’ve got a huge set and it’s made of steel.  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

 

When this sweet boy first e-mailed me, I thought his e-mail came from one of my fans, so I opened it.  Curses and all sorts of dirty names littered his email.  He called me a “SOCIOPATH” and other foul names that I can’t remember now. Immediately, I placed his email address in my spam mail box, where it automatically deletes all his subsequent emails.  I got this email from RoughSOD when Romy Marquez, a friend and a San Diego, CA., journalist, replied to one of his e-mails.  Romy wrote:

 

Hi Brian,

 

If you have an issue with Jesse Jose, please discuss it with him.  My perception of the man (as a true, fearless and topnotch journalist) will not change however uncouth your language is.  Your sympathetic friends will not influence me either.

 

I do not wish to receive your e-mail exchanges simply because I don’t know you and your friends.  But if you let me know who you are and the circle you belong in, then I may consider reading your e-mail.  Until that happens, please do not BCC me.

 

Can you also forward this e-mail to the 25 people you blind-copied?  Thanks and best regards. 

 

(Signed) Romy Marquez

 

I really don’t think RoughSOD will blind-copy his 25 friends as Romy requested. He’ll surely slink away now, blinded by Romy’s brilliant words, his two minutes of fame gone forever, flushed down the commode. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

 

Ahhhh, yes, indeed, I am a wise ass.  A sociopath?  Good heavens, no!  I am “smart and satirical,” to borrow, momentarily, a phrase from another reader.  This reader said her name is “Clarabelle.”  That’s all the information she gave about herself.  From the way she wrote her comments, big high-faluting words and all, she seemed to be a highly-educated woman. 

 

I tell ya, my writings are read by people from all sectors of society.  Her comment is a reaction from my column a couple of weeks, titled, “Noynoy looks like a retard.”  I’ll just quote the important portions of Clarabelle’s comment:

 

“Your writing is far from smart and satirical.  It’s mean-spirited, boorish and lacking any taste.  Your use of the words “retard” and “moron” shows just how low your brow is, it’s pretty much in the gutter, where it belongs....

 

“However, you must be thanked for proving just how OBTUSE you are.  We suggest you take a good dose of Exlax to rid yourself of the filth that fills you.”

 

(Signed) Clarabelle

 

This Clarabelle, she’s kind of classy, ain’t she?  She perches herself on a high pedestal.  “Obtuse”?  Oh, boy, I had to open the dictionary to know what that word means.  And I had to study how it was used in her sentence, because the dictionary gave several contrasting definitions.

 

“Exlax” to rid myself of filth that fills me?  Oh my, like as if Clarabelle has no filth in her that she also needs to void?  Miss Clarabelle, may I suggest, PRUNE JUICE?  It’s not only more effective, but it’s healthier.  It’s natural and it’s full of good nutrients.  It’s what I use.   Heat up the juice first before gulping a glassful.  Stay close to a bathroom though, because in less than ten minutes, your own FILTH is gonna let go with merry, little fire-cracking sounds….  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!  And Merry Christmas to you, Clarabelle!  To you, too, RoughSOD. 

 

And to all my friends, my ex-friends, my enemies, my critics and detractors, my fans, my admirers … and to all and to each of my dear readers: Merry, Merry Christmas!  Ho, ho, ho!  Yes, indeed, laugh and whole world will laugh with you!  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

 

PS: There were many comments.  I can’t fit them all.  But I‘d like to mention Mr. Jose de Jesus of New York, New York, who said in his comment that I might be his “long-lost cousin, kahit baligtad ang akin pangalan.”  But it does not matter, he said.  “What matters is that my friends and I like your way of expressing your opinion with massive doses of humor and satire.  Although you can use more politically-correct phrases from time to time….”  He concluded, “Let’s drink more Kapeng Barako, JJ.  Let’s have a toast of KB coffee to your continuing success as op-ed writer.”  (Signed) Ka Jose

 

Also, Ed Navarra, the Midwest Chair of NaFFAA, whose comment on my “Noynoy, the retard” story was simply this: “JJ, it’s a super duper article….”

 

Kind words always prevail at Christmas.  Pareng Romy, Ka Jose and Ed, thank you for your precious gifts of kind words.  Your kind words make me laugh with joy.  Joy to the world!  Laugh with joy, and the whole world will laugh with you.  JJ # # #    

 

 



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Last Updated on Thursday, 24 December 2009 20:59
 
Comments (1)
1 Thursday, 24 December 2009 11:59
Pareng Jesse,

I knew that once I read your piece, it's going to make my Christmas merry and my New Year happy. Indeed you have a way with going after critics who are too cowardly to come out yet dish out the most foul of languages. I believe it's because they knew you they're going to be waylaid by the most effective means known to man - by the mighty, bloodless pen! Thanks for the laugh. What a way to greet the new year . . . in interminable laughter!

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