By Jesse Jose

A Cup O’ Kapeng Barako

A hhh, finally it’s summer.

And to me, a perfect summer day is when the sun is shinning, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing and … the lawn mower is broken, turning this day into a lazy day and the perfect time for dyoks …   

Wala na si Erap at si FPJ sa scene, kaya sina Pakyaw at si Aling Dionisia na daw ang uso ngayon that Filipinos love to make dyoks of.  But some of the jokes are recycled ones from the glory days of Erap and pre-Erap politicians. Here are some of them.  Enjoy: 

Si Manny Pakyaw tumakbo sa pagka-Congressman sa Gen San …

Reporter: Manny, anong masasabi mo sa peace and order sa inyong lugar sa Gen San?

Pakyaw: Ah, yun ba?  Uhmm … eh … ay …

Reporter: Ano?

Pakyaw: Ahh, kwan … maraming fish sa Gen San, pero wala masyadong umo-Order.

Reporter: Manny, ngayon nanalo ka ng “tongressman,” anong ibibigay mong gift kay Jinkee?

Manny: Ibon syempre.  Mahilig sya dun, eh.

Reporter: Ibon?  Anong klaseng ibon?

Manny: Yung mga lipstek, pangmik up ba?  Basta mga Ibon products.  Yo know …

Pakyaw: Honey, buksan mo na yung sweets.

Jinky: Lambing mo talaga. Mwah!!  Nasaan ang sweets, honey?

Pakyaw: Yung sweets ng ilaw.  Di ako makakita.  Ang dilim!!

Jinky: Manny, kung magkakaanak ulit tayo, ano ang magandang name?

Manny: Hmmm.  Eh di combine na lang name natin … MANKY.

Aling Dionisia: Gusto ko naman pag nagka-anak uli kayo ni Jinky, di lang pangalan nyo pagsasamahin.  Dapat kasali din pangalan ko.

Pakyaw: Oo naman, Nay, kasu midyu mahirap yun.

Aling Dionisia: Hindi ah, may naesip na nga ako, eh.

Pakyaw: Talaga, ‘Nay?  Anu?

Aling Dionisia: DIOMANJI (Dionisia-Manny-Jinky).   

Aling Dionisia: Dok, gusto ko magpalagay ng breast.

Doctor: (Nagulat) Magpapasexsi ka na?

Aling Dionisia: Breast sa ngipen ba.  Para umayos yun ngepen ko!  Deba uso yon?

Pakyaw: Sabi ng titser ko, bakit daw an eggplant walang egg?

Aling Dionisia: Sabihon mo sa titser mo, na pag me egg yun, turta na, TURTA!

Aling Dionisia: Inday, akina yung seeds ko.

Inday: Bakit po, magtatanim po ba kayo?

Aling Dionisia: Anung magtatanim sinasabi mo?  Nasisilaw ang mata ko kaya kailangan ko ng seeds.

Piolo and Manny were having a heart to heart talk.

Manny: Pare, ba’t ba naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota?  Wala ka pa bang napupusuan?

Piolo: Meron … manhid ka lang!

Noodle!!!  Noodle!!  Noodle!

Pakyaw sa “Deal or No Deal.”

Sa Las Vegas:

Waiter: May I take your order, Madam?

Aling Dionisia: Soup.

Waiter: Chicken, asparagus, noodle or soup of the day?

Aling Dionisia: Soup drenks.

“You is!  You is!  You is!,” sigaw ni Aling Dionisia pagdating sa Amerika.  “Andito na ako sa ‘you is.’”

Sa isang birthday party.

Aling Dionisia: Blue!  Blue de kick!

Sa Las Vegas, before the fight with El Kuto, as reported by CNN (Coconut News Ngayon).

Chavit: Manny, paki-acknowledege mo naman si First Gentleman, late dumating.  Ayun kadadaan lang sa tabi ng ringside.

Manny: I would like to acknowledge the arrival of the late First Gentleman Arroyo who just PASSED AWAY!

And from the collection of Manny Pacquiao (MP) jokes from the humorists of the MabuhayRadio.com:

Foreign Reporter: “Do you have freedom of speech in Mindanao, Congressman Pacquiao?”

Manny: “Yes, we are free to spit here, there and enywhere.”

Congressman Manny (as he addresses fellow freshman congressmen in a pre-session caucus): “My Dear Colleges . . .”

Another congressman (whispers to Manny): “Bai, hindi ‘college’ it’s ‘colleague’ . . .”

Congressman Manny (correcting himself): “Colleague, singular, Colleges, plural.”

Reporter: “What can you say about your primary job of filing bills in the House of Representatives?”

Congressman Manny: “Well, if there are bills, the Speaker should order that they be paid immediately.”

Reporter: “I am referring to bills in the legislation process. What bills do you intend to file?”

Congressman Manny: “Oh, legislative bills? Well, I am filing immediately two bills: The first is to continue propagating the carabao for the farmers and, secondly, to propagate the Carabao English, so as to do away with ‘Taglish’ . . .”

H ahahahhahahaha!  Want more of this?  E-mail and ask my fellow “DOM,” Ed Navarra of Michigan, who is now also a columnist with a newspaper published by Antonio Antonio, a former president of the National Press Club of the Philippines.  Y’all know him, right?  That’s right, he’s the Midwest Regional chair of NaFFAA.  He sent me those dyoks, and I had a jolly good time reading them that I thought I’d share them with you, Dear Readers.  I hope you had fun reading them, too.  If you had read them somewhere before, well, reading them again – unless you’re a scrooge – was really good for you.  Because, you see, a laughter a day keeps the witches away.  Laughter, I’ve found out, is also the best antidote for people who badmouth you.  He, he, he.

O key ngarud, enough of that.  Stay with me.  There’s more, but this is serious now. 

AN OLD FARMER’S ADVICE: I got this from a cyberspace friend, named Bryan, who is really a farmer, and the chaplain of the Martin County Sheriff’s Office in Florida, where I used to work as a deputy.  I think these are true gems of wisdom, worth your while reading and immersing yourselves in.  I did, and my mind is still tingling from the wisdom of it all.  If being a farmer gives you this kind of wisdom, I think I’d like to be a farmer, too, one day when I grow up.  The ones IN ALL CAPS and in boldface, especially the last one, are favorites of mine that I intend to keep in my heart and mind.  Here they are.  Enjoy:

. Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.  Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

. LIFE IS SIMPLER WHEN YOU PLOW AROUND THE STUMP.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

. WORDS THAT SOAK INTO YOUR EARS ARE WHISPERED … NOT YELLED.

. Meanness don’t jes happen overnight.

. FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES; IT MESSES UP THEIR HEADS.

. Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

. IT DON’T TAKE A VERY BIG PERSON TO CARRY A GRUDGE.

. You cannot unsay a cruel word.

. Every path has a few puddles.

. WHEN YOU WALLOW WITH PIGS, EXPECT TO GET DIRTY.

. The best sermons are lived, not preached.

. DON’T JUDGE FOLKS BY THEIR RELATIVES.

. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

. LIVE A GOOD, HONORABLE LIFE…  THEN WHEN YOU GET OLDER AND THINK BACK, YOU’LL ENJOY IT A SECOND TIME.

. Don’t interfere with something that ain’t bothering you none.

. If you find yourself in a hole, first thing to do is to stop digging.

. Always drink upstream from the herd.

. GOOD JUDGMENT COMES FROM EXPERIENCE, AND A LOT COMES FROM BAD JUDGMENT.

. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ back in.

. If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog.

. Live simply.  Love generously.  Care deeply.  Speak kindly.  Leave the rest to God.

. DON’T PICK A FIGHT WITH AN OLD MAN.  IF HE IS TOO OLD TO FIGHT, HE’LL JUST KILL YA.

O key ngarud, y’all have a great weekend.  Oh, by the way, before I go, lemme say this, too: While President Barack H. Obama has the media on his side, he clearly does not have the will of the people – 58% of Americans are dead set against his health care bill and 69% are for the Arizona immigration law that the Obama Administration calls “hateful.”

And this: Al and Tipper Gore (y’all remember the lingering smooch in the 2004 presidential convention, right?).  Well, they are now splitting, along with the BP oil that keeps on spilling.  That’s all.  JJ