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Dec 11th
Home Columns A Cup O' Kapeng Barako My Giddy Christmas Thoughts this Christmas
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Columns - A Cup O' Kapeng Barako
Thursday, 20 December 2007 14:01

 


“To suggest celebrating Christmas and having

decorations offends Muslims is absurd. Why should

                Christmas not be celebrated openly and wholeheartedly

                in our country when a vast majority of our people are Christians?”

Shayk Ibrahim Mogra, a Muslim leader

 

I love Christmas, don’t you?

 

The cheer, the décor, the songs, the nip in the air, the shopping for gifts, the Christmas cards that we receive wishing us, “Merry Christmas,” the Christmas Tree. And all those twinkling, colored lights that we put up in front of our houses to light up the way for Mary, who is heavy with the Child, along with Joseph … as they seek a place to stay for the night.

 

And, of course, the colorful stories that are told such as this one that I am going to tell ya in a minute. It’s not about Christmas, but hey, it’s a true story that you can tell, and re-retell to friends at Christmas parties. This was written by a young boy and it won a national prize in FIRST-PERSON ESSAY WRITING many Christmases ago.

 

It’s short and to the point. Read on. And smile there, Sour Face, at Pasko na.

 

“I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed that he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue.

 

“My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

 

“When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, ‘What’s the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?’”

 

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response. And in that unique classic style that my Dad has, he told the teenager, without even batting an eye:

 

“‘Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. And I was wondering if you were my son!’”

 

SEX WITH THOUSANDS OF WOMEN: Wilt Chamberlain … you know, that great basketball player in the olden days, once boasted that he had made love to about three-thousand women. Julio Iglesias, that Spanish singer who sung that song, “To All The Girls I’ve loved Before,” which is now a classic, once said, that he had made love to about 6,000 women.

Editor's Note: Please read a proposal in the User Comments to Jesse Jose about turning Filipino husbands into versions of Wilt and Julio . . .

Now, check this out: Actor Jack Nicholson claimed that he had made love to 900,000 women! Gawd, Jack … when did you ever had time to pee?

VIAGRA FOR VOTES: Have y’all heard that in Thailand, candidates there for political office are using Viagra, instead of cash, to buy votes. Yeah, that’s a fact. I heard it on the Filipino CNN (Coconut News Ngayon). I wonder what they use now in the Philippines to buy votes.

 

By the way … I heard there’s something much more potent than Viagra that was discovered in the Philippines. It’s called AMPALUNGAY. It’s ampalaya and malungay mix together and the KATAS from these two vegetables when consumed, mas grabe daw ang resulta kaysa sa Viagra. This was concocted by LASTIKMAN. Hmmmm. I must go to the Philippines soon and check out this Philippine-made katas.


THE GALAXY OF VENUS/CHICAGO: Meanwhile, American scientists are learning about Venus, “where it can be 457 degrees Celsius in the summer, with winds up to 225 miles per hour.” And in the winter, it’s like living in a freeze box or in an igloo. In other words, basically like Chicago, without the Sears Tower.

 

BUMPER STICKERS: I have a new car bumper sticker on my Toyota truck. I’ve placed it just below my “SUPPORT OUR TROOPS” sticker, next to the U.S. FLAG sticker … and it reads, “BUCK FUSH.” Those three stickers make three statements that I truly believe in.


A VOTE FOR HILLARY: Y’all remember Gennifer Flowers? Yeah, that floozy, who in 1992 said she had “a long, adulterous affair with Bill Clinton.” She said that she may vote for Hillary. “I can’t help but want to support my own gender,” she said. She also purred that Senator Joe Biden, a wannabe President of the United States of America, “is a very sexy man.” Perhaps, Ms. Flowers would also like to have “a long, adulterous affair” with Senator Biden?


OBAMA’S DRUG USE: Christmas season is not only the season for giving, it’s also the season for apologizing. Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, America’s president-in-waiting, apologized personally to Senator Barack Hussien Obama for a top adviser’s public remark on Mr. Obama’s youthful DRUG USE.

 

The adviser, William Shaheen was quoted by The Washington Post to have said that the goofy GOPS “would probably go after Mr. Obama for having used cocaine and marijuana.” Shaheen went on to suggest that the GOOPS, I mean, the GOPS would probably question, too, whether Mr. Obama “shared drugs with others or was a dealer.”

 

I think the question that should be asked, is: DID HE INHALE?

 

Y’all forgive me for being giddy with this column. It’s the Christmas season, kasi. Okey ngarud, Maligayang Pasko sa inyong lahat. At yung mga galit sa akin: PEACE na. JJ

 



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Last Updated on Saturday, 06 December 2008 00:52
 

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The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.Nabisco