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Nov 26th
Home Columns A Cup O' Kapeng Barako On Watermelons … and B. Hussein Obama (BHO)
On Watermelons … and B. Hussein Obama (BHO) PDF Print E-mail
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Columns - A Cup O' Kapeng Barako
Friday, 11 July 2008 07:24

First thing first.  Before we talk about BHO, let’s talk about watermelons.  That’s right, folks, y’all read it right: WATERMELONS!  And to those people, who idolize BHO, please don’t go ballistic on me now and smear feces on my column.

I am not calling BHO … I repeat, I am NOT calling B. Hussein Obama a watermelon!  I know that the word watermelon is a SLUR, if used to call or describe or to connote to a black person.  Why?  From what I’ve learned from ignorant Rednecks I used to know and worked with, it’s because blacks have a fondness for watermelons, thus they’re called, “watermelons.”  One is the other, they said.  How silly.  I have a lot of fondness for watermelons, too.  But nobody had called me “watermelon.”


They have called me “pineapple” though. 


In the old days when I was still in the Navy, Filipinos then were called, “pineapples.”  There were a great number of Filipinos in Hawaii who were pineapple pickers.  They also picked fruits in California and in many states in the South.  So at that time, whenever ignorant Americans see a Filipino, they see a fruit or a pineapple picker. 


Or simply, a “pineapple.” 


But let’s go back to watermelons.  Paul Newman, you know, that handsome and great Hollywood actor of the 70’s and 80’s, who starred with Robert Redford in that classical cowboy movie, “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,” has also a great fondness for watermelons, and he’s not black.


Years ago, he was quoted in a People magazine story to have said, “One of my many joys in life is submerging my face in a watermelon and lapping and drinking the fruit’s juice that way.  There’s nothing like it.  It’s heavenly … and EROTIC.” 


I tried it and it’s true, guys.  It was, indeed, heavenly … and EROTIC.


VIAGRA-LIKE EFFECTS: According to Associated Press reports, a group of scientists in Texas said that “watermelons contain an ingredient called CITRULLINE that can trigger production of a compound that helps relax the blood vessels, similar to what happens when a man takes Viagra.”


“Found in the flesh and rind of watermelons,” they said, “citrulline reacts with the body’s enzymes when consumed in large quantities and is changed into ARGININE, an amino acid that benefit acid the heart and the circulatory and immune systems.”


“The arginine boosts nitric acid, which relaxes blood vessels, the same basic effect that Viagra has, to treat erectile dysfunction and maybe even prevent it,” the scientists touted.  “Watermelon may not be as organ-specific as Viagra, but it’s a great way to relax blood vessels without any drug side effects.” 

Well, in that case, instead of planting veggies and flowers and fruit trees in my backyard this summer, I am just gonna be planting watermelons, so come harvest time I can drown myself in bliss as I submerge my face in a ripen fruit to drink and lap up the juices, the way Paul Newman used to do.  And, pop the magic dragon, no more erectile dysfunction for me, forever and ever.


BHO, THE CANDIDATE OF CHANGE: Okey ngarud, let’s talk about Obama now, the candidate of change.  FIRST, THE PIN.  Yeah, that miniature lapel pin of the flag of the United States of America.  


During the primaries, while seducing the hard core Democrats that delivered him the caucuses and the nomination, BHO not only “disdained the pin, he disparaged it,” said Washington Post’s columnist Charles Krauthammer.  “Now that he’s running in a general election against John McCain, and in dire need of a gun-and-God-clinging working class votes he could not win against Hillary Clinton, THE PIN IS BACK.”


SECOND, THE CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM: Both before and during his candidacy, BHO virtually made himself a walking symbol for campaign finance reform.  He touted it on TV, in speeches and in interviews.  Then, as y’all know, as the cash began flowing in from the Internet, and he raked in nearly $290 million, an amount that tripled the $85 million in public funds that he would have been restricted, and to which John McCain has pledged himself … BHO announced that he’s backing out of that promise and commitment.  He’ll be the first presidential candidate since the time of the Watergate scandal to reject campaign finance reforms.


THIRD, THE ILLEGAL WIRETAPPING: Last year, BHO won praises and accolades from his supporters when he opposed legal immunity for telecommunications companies that participated in Mr. Bush’s warrantless wiretapping program.  So strongly were his feelings (we thought, but he fooled us) that he promised to FILIBUSTER the bill if it contained the immunity clause.  That promise now ain’t no more.  He now supports legislation that includes immunity for the telecoms.  In other words, just like Mr. Bush, he’ll now allow spying on you and me, looking into our emails and listening in to our phone conversations.


FOURTH, THE BAN ON HANDGUNS: Last week when the U.S. Supreme Court declared as UNCONSTITUTIONAL the ban of handguns in Washington D.C., BHO said that he agreed with the decision.  Last November, he explicitly told the Chicago Tribune in an interview that that Supreme Court gun ban is CONSTITUTIONAL.


FIFTH, IRAQ: This is the biggie.  BHO had said and continues to insist that he wants a phased withdrawal from the war – two divisions a month – until all the soldiers are home in 16 months.  But now, check this out.  In advance of his upcoming visit there, he tells us: “I am going to do a thorough assessment when I’m there.  When I go to Iraq and I have a chance to talk to some of the commanders on the ground, I’m sure I’ll have more information and will continue TO REFINE my policies.”


Refine my foot!  Most likely, he’ll continue to refine his lies.  This is the BHO who dumped his pastor of two decades, then his church, after saying he could “no more abandoned his pastor than abandoned his own grandmother . . .”


BHO, the candidate of CHANGE.  So what’s the next change for this candidate of change?  What’s the next flip-flop?  What’s the next lie?  What’s the next dance?  The cowboy cha-cha-cha, perhaps, like Bush’s?  Or the hip-hop moves, like Karl Rove’s?


Mag-watermelon muna kaya tayo, ha?  JJ


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Last Updated on Friday, 11 July 2008 08:38

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