Columns A Cup O' Kapeng Barako My Giddy Christmas Thoughts this Christmas
| My Giddy Christmas Thoughts this Christmas |
“To suggest celebrating Christmas and having
decorations offends Muslims is absurd. Why should
Christmas not be celebrated openly and wholeheartedly
in our country when a vast majority of our people are Christians?”
Shayk Ibrahim Mogra, a Muslim leader
I love Christmas, don’t you?
The cheer, the décor, the songs, the nip in the air, the shopping for gifts, the Christmas cards that we receive wishing us, “Merry Christmas,” the Christmas Tree. And all those twinkling, colored lights that we put up in front of our houses to light up the way for Mary, who is heavy with the Child, along with Joseph … as they seek a place to stay for the night.
And, of course, the colorful stories that are told such as this one that I am going to tell ya in a minute. It’s not about Christmas, but hey, it’s a true story that you can tell, and re-retell to friends at Christmas parties. This was written by a young boy and it won a national prize in FIRST-PERSON ESSAY WRITING many Christmases ago.
It’s short and to the point. Read on. And smile there, Sour Face, at Pasko na.
“I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed that he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue.
“My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
“When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, ‘What’s the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?’”
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response. And in that unique classic style that my Dad has, he told the teenager, without even batting an eye:
“‘Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. And I was wondering if you were my son!’”
SEX WITH THOUSANDS OF WOMEN: Wilt Chamberlain … you know, that great basketball player in the olden days, once boasted that he had made love to about three-thousand women. Julio Iglesias, that Spanish singer who sung that song, “To All The Girls I’ve loved Before,” which is now a classic, once said, that he had made love to about 6,000 women.
Editor's Note: Please read a proposal in the User Comments to Jesse Jose about turning Filipino husbands into versions of Wilt and Julio . . .
Now, check this out: Actor Jack Nicholson claimed that he had made love to 900,000 women! Gawd, Jack … when did you ever had time to pee?
VIAGRA FOR VOTES: Have y’all heard that in Thailand, candidates there for political office are using Viagra, instead of cash, to buy votes. Yeah, that’s a fact. I heard it on the Filipino CNN (Coconut News Ngayon). I wonder what they use now in the Philippines to buy votes.
By the way … I heard there’s something much more potent than Viagra that was discovered in the Philippines. It’s called AMPALUNGAY. It’s ampalaya and malungay mix together and the KATAS from these two vegetables when consumed, mas grabe daw ang resulta kaysa sa Viagra. This was concocted by LASTIKMAN. Hmmmm. I must go to the Philippines soon and check out this Philippine-made katas.
THE GALAXY OF VENUS/CHICAGO: Meanwhile, American scientists are learning about Venus, “where it can be 457 degrees Celsius in the summer, with winds up to 225 miles per hour.” And in the winter, it’s like living in a freeze box or in an igloo. In other words, basically like Chicago, without the Sears Tower.
BUMPER STICKERS: I have a new car bumper sticker on my Toyota truck. I’ve placed it just below my “SUPPORT OUR TROOPS” sticker, next to the U.S. FLAG sticker … and it reads, “BUCK FUSH.” Those three stickers make three statements that I truly believe in.
A VOTE FOR HILLARY: Y’all remember Gennifer Flowers? Yeah, that floozy, who in 1992 said she had “a long, adulterous affair with Bill Clinton.” She said that she may vote for Hillary. “I can’t help but want to support my own gender,” she said. She also purred that Senator Joe Biden, a wannabe President of the United States of America, “is a very sexy man.” Perhaps, Ms. Flowers would also like to have “a long, adulterous affair” with Senator Biden?
OBAMA’S DRUG USE: Christmas season is not only the season for giving, it’s also the season for apologizing. Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, America’s president-in-waiting, apologized personally to Senator Barack Hussien Obama for a top adviser’s public remark on Mr. Obama’s youthful DRUG USE.
The adviser, William Shaheen was quoted by The Washington Post to have said that the goofy GOPS “would probably go after Mr. Obama for having used cocaine and marijuana.” Shaheen went on to suggest that the GOOPS, I mean, the GOPS would probably question, too, whether Mr. Obama “shared drugs with others or was a dealer.”
I think the question that should be asked, is: DID HE INHALE?
Y’all forgive me for being giddy with this column. It’s the Christmas season, kasi. Okey ngarud, Maligayang Pasko sa inyong lahat. At yung mga galit sa akin: PEACE na.
As usual, I read with much interest your column as I finished my cup of Kapeng Starbucks (sorry, it does not carry the Batangas brew).
I was thinking that perhaps you and I can campaign to turn all Filipino and Overseas-Filipino husbands into combined versions of Wilt Chamberlain and Julio Iglesias – but with a slight difference. Perhaps in the coming New Year, all those who join the campaign (as a New Year’s resolution) should make love to their wife at least a thousand times. Yes, a 1,000 times only to the same wife. No exception. This way in six years, the Filipino husbands can match the output of Julio . . .
Perhaps only my fellow Knights of Rizal would oppose us, as our motto is, “Once a Knight is enough.”
Perhaps some of the Filipino wives will make you and me some kind of folk heroes, if not their patron saints. Although I am sure that some of them would curse us to high heavens for turning their husbands into “sex machines.” My sweetheart of a wife may probably curse me, as she would say that that is equivalent to like an average of three times a day, excluding Sundays and holy days . . .
Poet-pundit Fred Burce Bunao is already laughing. He says that how could he do it, as he is an octogenarian and he is not really in the pink of health? In addition, he asks, would the campaign include Filipino Muslims who have four wives? Would this mean 4,000 times for 2008 for our Muslim brothers down South?
I told Mr. Bunao that actually for men like him and those who cannot do it physically, they should just emulate Jack Nicholson. Yes, Old Jack makes love to hundreds of women every night he attends a Laker’s game – from the Laker’s girls to the actresses at the front row at the Staples Center to the women out in the bleachers he sees and gets to admire. Yes, Mr. Nicholson makes love to them . . . mentally. Why if the flesh is weak, the spirit of the imagination can be strong.
What say you, Ka Jesse? We can adopt a Chinese proverb and change it a little to read, “A voyage of a thousand pleasures begins with the first day of the New Year and every night thereafter.”
This movement can revolutionize the marital relations of Filipinos and Overseas Filipinos and boost to the nth degree the fidelity on the all the couples participating in the program. Perhaps, we can win the Nobel Prize for Peace several years down the road if this movement succeeds.
OK, ngarud?
Bobby Reyes
Shhhh... it's a secret!...
:)
Jack Nicholson did not make love to these women mentally, he did it VERBALLY, but then again, he thinks that yelling "F**K YOU" to a woman constitutes oral sex and that if she yells back the same, then its consentual...
;-)
Hello Bobby and Allan,
As to your comment, Bobby ... as we sailors say, let the journey begin. I am with you. But we, sailors, are of the infidel kind though. "Fidelity" to us, is only for the wimps and sissies. You see, we have three sex organs: the penis, the finger and the tongue... We are freaks. So, are you sure you want to include me in this?
Jesse
Fidelity has its merits, and I am strongly for it.
And I do believe, that inspite of all the "macho" talk, you are indeed faithfull...
At the very least - faithfull to one GENDER.
No?
Hehehe
Yes, indeed, Allan, I am a "dawg." I am faithful to ONLY one gender: the WEAKER SEX gender. You know what I mean? Because in this world, the weak submits and gets mounted, whereas the strong dominates and mounts ... the weak, male or female.
The human world, you see, is like the animal world. We, humans, possess instincts, traits and characteristics like those of the animals ... this is getting too long.
Also, my wife is calling me now downstairs. So, I better go. Otherwise, she'll beat me up. I am MACHO-nurin, you see. Human, just like everybody else. The animal in me comes out only behind closed doors. Okay, talk to you later.
Jesse
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