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Mar 28th
Home Sections Humor & Satire BalitaKuno (Niños Inocentes Edition)
BalitaKuno (Niños Inocentes Edition) PDF Print E-mail
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Saturday, 27 December 2008 04:07

Dateline Los Angeles, California, Dec. 28, 2008, by the Yimby Lampoon News Service (YLNS), as re-released by the Coconut News Network (CNN Kuno) on Dec. 27, 2012.


T he following news briefs appeared in the now-defunct in its Lampoon Edition of Dec. 28, 2004, and are reprinted in this website. This website has updated the BalitaKuno articles. Effective Jan. 1, 2009, the Yimby Lampoon News Service (YLNS) will become part of Romy P. Marquez’s creation called the “Coconut News Ngayon (CNN Kuno)." However, Bobby M. Reyes changed it to "Coconut News Network" and registered the domain name,


Here are the BalitaKuno . . .

* ACLU Wants Non-sectarian Names of Cities
* GMA Approves Cloning of Popular Consul General
* Senator Pimentel's Bill to Eliminate Commissions
* Senators Gordon and Pimentel Bare Plans to Extend Christmas and New Year Holidays
* Senator Santiago Dares Imelda and Cory to Become Filipino Versions of Mother Teresa
* Senator Estrada to File Bill Renaming the Philippines
* Loida Lewis to Build Theme Parks in Sorsogon

* * * * *

ACLU Wants Non-sectarian Names of Cities, Counties and Towns

The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) wants American counties, cities and towns to drop off words like "San, Santa or Angeles" in their names. This move was taken after the ACLU forced the County of Los Angeles to eliminate the Cross in its official seal.

A spokesman of the ACLU revealed this move to the YLNS today. He asked not to be identified prior to the filing of formal complaints with the affected governmental agencies.

The ACLU wants for instance California to drop off "San" from the County of San Bernardino, San Francisco and San Diego, "Santa" from the Counties of Santa Barbara, Santa Monica, etceteras, etc. It wants the City of Los Angeles to be changed to Los Hombres. It wants New Mexico to eliminate "Santa" from Santa Fe and Texas to rename "San Antonio" to Antonio (or Anthony).

The spokesman says that the ACLU wants a strict compliance of the doctrine of separation of the Church and the State. This move is geared to take the ACLU's stand on civil liberties and freedom of religion to a higher level.

* * * *

GMA Approves Cloning of Popular Consul General
The YLNS has learned today that President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo has quietly acceded to the request of Filipino-American community leaders in Southern and Northern California to have a full-time consul general at the Philippine Consulate General.

Community leaders say that California has the biggest Filipino population in the world outside of the Philippines and Northern California, therefore, deserves the full attention of a consul general. They say that people like a lot incumbent San Francisco-based Consul General Marciano A. Paynor, Jr., and they do not like to share his time with the Office of the Philippine President.

The popular Consul General Paynor is also the Chief of Presidential Protocol. He heads the advance team sent to prepare for President Arroyo's frequent state or official visits to many countries.

It seems that President Arroyo has accepted the suggestion of Filipino activist Roberto Reyes Mercado to clone Consul General Paynor. He suggested to the President that the clone be called "Marciano A. Paynor III" and be assigned full time as the Chief of Presidential Protocol. He suggested respectfully also to President Arroyo that she might want to order more clones of the hard-working and honest public servant that is Mr. Paynor and appoint one of his clones as the Commandant of the Philippine Military Academy. Mr. Paynor is an illustrious member of the now-infamous Class of 1971. Reyes Mercado said that appointing Marciano Paynor IV to head the PMA might pave the way for sound structural reforms in the academy and make it regain its traditional honor and respect for its alumni.

Reyes Mercado also suggested that more clones of Mr. Paynor be appointed to head the Philippine National Police, the Office of the Chief of Staff of the Armed Forces of the Philippines, the Bureau of Immigration, the Bureau of Customs and the Bureau of Internal Revenue. Reyes Mercado said that by letting the Paynor clones head sensitive government agencies would assure the public of decent and law-abiding public service that would be completely corruption-free.

As of press time, the Office of the Press Secretary has not issued any official statement as to the planned cloning of Consul General Paynor. One report said that Mr. Paynor is demanding that the Philippine government order too the clones of his wife, Teresita Bustamante Paynor, and their three daughters. Mr. Paynor was reported to have said that he would not agree to the cloning process if his wife and daughters would not be cloned also as many times as he would be duplicated. But sources in the Presidential Palace said that this would make the Paynor cloning impossible, as the government does not have sufficient funds to clone also the family members of Mr. Paynor.

* * * *

Senator Pimentel's Bill to Eliminate Commissions

The Office of Sen. Aquilino Q. Pimentel, Jr., revealed today in an exclusive interview with the YLNS that he would file a bill that would ban the use of the words "Commission" and "Commissioners" as names of Philippine government agencies and officials.

Senator Pimentel is the minority leader of the Philippine Senate and the nominal head of the political opposition. He wants apparently to end the Filipino joke that Commissions refer actually to percentages such as "10% to 15% commissions" that are said to be paid to Philippine government "Commissioners."

Senator Pimentel's spokesperson does not know yet what term would be used to replace the various Commissions in the Philippine government.

* * * *

Senators Gordon and Pimentel Bare Plans to Extend Christmas and New Year Holidays

The Office of Sen. Richard Gordon revealed to the YLNS that Mr. Gordon would file a bill that would recognize the Orthodox Christmas as a legal holiday in the Philippines. This year, the members of the Orthodox Church will celebrate Christmas on Jan. 7, 2009.

Mr. Gordon was the secretary of the Department of Tourism before he was elected to the Philippine Senate. He apparently believes that recognizing the Orthodox Christmas will increase the number of foreign tourists to the Philippines. There are many Orthodox Christians in Russia and Eastern Europe. There is also the Greek Uniate Church that celebrates too the Orthodox Christmas.

The YLNS was able to ask Sen. Nene Pimentel his opinion about the Gordon Bill. Senator Pimentel says that he welcomes the initiative of Mr. Gordon. He said that "the Gordon Bill may be an unorthodox way (pun intended) of attracting more foreign tourists to the Philippines." Mr. Pimentel said that he plans to introduce an amendment to the Gordon Bill. He said that he would amend it, so as to include the recognition of the Chinese New Year, which is also celebrated in Vietnam as the Tet, as a Philippine holiday. The Chinese-Tet New Year usually falls in the first week of February. This way the Philippines would not only have the longest Christmas season in the world but also the longest celebration of New Year. Senator Pimentel said that this could mean the visit to the Philippines of millions of Chinese and Vietnamese tourists, aside from visitors from Japan and Korea that celebrate also the Lunar New Year.

* * * *

Senator Santiago Dares Imelda and Cory to Become Filipino Versions of Mother Teresa

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago has dared former First Lady Imelda Romualdez-Marcos and former President Corazon Cojuangco-Aquino to emulate Mother Teresa.

Mother Teresa was the Macedonia-born nun who spent her life helping the poor in India. She won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979 for her work among the poor. She is now being canonized and her sainthood is assured.

Senator Santiago said that it is not yet late for Madame Marcos and former President Cory Aquino to become "living saints" of the Filipino people if only they would give up their wealth to help the poor. She said that if President Cory Aquino would give up for instance her share in the Hacienda Luisita to the poor workers, perhaps the Catholic Church would also canonize her after her death.

As of press time, an spokesman of Madame Marcos told the YLNS that perhaps the former First Lady would agree to Senator Santiago's proposal if she could persuade former President Fidel V. Ramos to emulate Jesus Christ. Yes, the Christ that was the champion of the poor and who was crucified on Mount Calvary to save humanity. Asked if that meant Mr. Ramos was to be crucified also on the Cross on Good Friday 2009, the spokesman of Madame Marcos just smiled and walked away. Perhaps Mr. Ramos would be crucified in between former President Joseph Estrada and First Gentleman Mike Arroyo, who would play the roles of the Biblical thieves at the 2009 Sinakulo in Malacañang Palace?

* * * *

Senator Estrada to File Bill Renaming the

Sen. Jingoy Estrada will file a bill that will rename the
Philippines. Senator Estrada said that Roberto Reyes Mercado, a Los Angeles-based Filipino student of serious Filipino history, has persuaded him to lead the efforts to rename the country.

According to Senator Estrada, Reyes Mercado makes sense in his argument that many nationalistic Filipinos now hate the appellation of the country that was adopted from the first name of a Spanish monarch. Many Overseas Filipinos also shorten the name of the country to "Pinas," which is really dividing the country, as the Spanish mestizos of the nation hate the "short-cutted" (sic) name.

Reyes Mercado explained to the senator that it was then President Ferdinand E. Marcos who first thought of changing the name of the country. Mr. Marcos proposed in the 1970s to rename the Philippines as "Maharlika." But many citizens complained that "Maharlika" meant "of royal blood" and that would not be proper in a democratic country.

The proponent told Senator Estrada that the present name of the country elicits pride only among the so-called "Hispano Filipinos." He suggested to the senator that the country be named after an object that is common to almost all of the country's citizens from Aparri to Jolo. Reyes Mercado said that he could think of only one common object that is well liked by an overwhelming majority and which is the "balut." The balut is a Filipino delicacy that is actually a hard-boiled fertilized duck egg.

Senator Estrada and Reyes Mercado said that if the country were to renamed "Balutkistan," the new name might even pacify the Muslim population of the country. The new name will also generate a lot of support from Islamic countries such as Afghanistan, Pakistan and Tajikistan.

Senator Estrada and Reyes Mercado add that the citizens of "Balutkistan" might as well be called "Penoys." The word "Penoy" refers to the hard-boiled unfertilized duck egg that is sold together with the "balut." It may end the controversy as to who started to use the word, "Pinoy," in describing the citizens of the country that is currently known as the Philippines.

* * * *

Loida Lewis to Build Theme Parks in Sorsogon

Ms. Loida Nicolas-Lewis announced today her project of turning Sorsogon Province into "the happiest place in Asia." She wants to build a series of Disneyland-like theme parks in her native province. The tentative location of the first theme park is the Prieto Diaz town in Sorsogon Province. The park may be called “Diazneyland.”

Ms. Lewis is reputed to be the richest Overseas Filipino who lives in New York. The conglomerate that she heads has business operations in France, Spain, China and the Philippines. She is also the prime mover of the National Federation of Filipino-American Associations (NaFFAA), which is based in Washington, DC, and she was its national chairperson from August 2002 to September 2006.

Ms. Lewis explained to the YLNS in an exclusive interview that she got the "theme parks" idea from her favorite childhood friend, Roberto Reyes Mercado, who remains as the "Numero Uno" critic of the NaFFAA. She said that Roberto called her lately “CinderLoida.” Reyes used to call her "Snow White" and dubbed her fellow national officers in the NaFFAA as the "Seven Dwarfs." # # #

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Last Updated on Tuesday, 26 December 2017 11:30

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