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Home Sections Humor & Satire Eau(rap) de Parfum?
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Sections - Humor & Satire
Saturday, 27 December 2008 05:14


Dateline Manila, Dec. 28, 2008, Yimby Lampoon News Service

 

W ith the announcement that former President Joseph “Erap” Estrada will run in the May 2010 national elections, his political handlers have announced the resumption of the “Erap Perfume,” both as a way to generate more publicity and funds for the coming presidential elections.

 

Perhaps, this is the way the then Estrada administration copied American slogans like "a Ford in every garage" or "a chicken in every pot." Yes, an “Erap Perfume” for every Filipino household.
 
The perfume codenamed "Eau(rap) de Parfum" was conceived by the then President Estrada's Midnight Cabinet during one of the members' alleged drunken stupor, as presided by the equally-drunk Chief Executive.

 

Editor’s Note: Excerpts of this article
were published in the
www.yimby.com
on Dec. 28, 2000, for its then “Niños Inocentes Edition.”


E au(rap) de Parfum is intended to cover up the stench of the uncollected garbage in many Philippine cities, especially in the Metro Manila area. The perfume will also be sold to bus operators and jeepney drivers, so that all of them will smell just as sweet as former Philippine Tourism Sec. Gemma Cruz Araneta, who is a former Miss International beauty queen.

For the comfort rooms of the terminals at the Ninoy Aquino (Manila) International Airport, which are known for the perennial lack of toilet paper and other amenities for the traveling public, the former President's Men will market a "Eau(rap) de Toilette." All of the perfumery products are intended also to be one of the Mr. Estrada's solutions to the country's increasing lack of potable water. The heavy uses of the Eau(rap) products will lead to a decrease in the public needs for clean water for people will no longer be taking frequently baths or showers.

The former Philippine President's Men would also market to the Abu Sayyaf kidnap gang a "Eau(rap) de Cologne" for the German tourists that it might be able to kidnap for ransom. After all kidnapped victims do not often have the chance to bathe or even shower on a daily basis. So "Eau(rap) de Cologne" will be an ideal and practical product for these European tourists booked by the Abu Sayyaf Travel Agency.

Then the Eau(rap) de Parfum Company will also market a special line called the former Presidential Channel (PC). PChannel No. 1 will be sold exclusively to the former First Lady, her kin and her supporters. PC No. 2 will be sold exclusively to the former Second Lady, her kin and supporters. (The former Second Lady is the former President's first of many alleged mistresses). PC No. 3 will be sold exclusively to the former President's Third Lady, and so on and so forth.

And this writer reports a featured use common to these Presidential Channel numbers. Government officials can give for instance "PChannel No. 10" as a sample to contractors of government projects. Without saying anything more, the gift will mean that the contractor will have to "donate" ten (10%) percent of the project's cost to the President's favorite charity, which of course begins at home. If "PC No. 15" is given, then this means that the "donation" will be equivalent to fifteen (15%) percent of the project cost. And reports add that the PC line will go up to No. 30. The PC perfumes would also be distributed as gifts to the illegal-gambling operators for the same charitable purposes.

All the senators, the representathieves, ops, representatives, provincial governors and mayors who belong to the President's political party are expected to use the Presidential Channel special lines of the Eau(rap) de Parfum Company in soliciting also their share of the donations from government contractors and gambling operators. These government officials have pledged also to use the lower-numbered special lines of the Presidential Channel perfume for their respective mistresses or lovers in the order that the then Midnight Cabinet has designated.

This online publication will still check if indeed the company has adopted the slogan, "Even if you have nothing to wear, the Eau(rap) de Parfum will hide all your scandals and the shenanigans and scalawags of your company and kin."

It was reported also that the company intends to develop a special scent for the amorous flight attendants of the country's flag carrier. It will be called the Eau(rap) de PALITAN. (It means Philippine Air Lines, as managed by Investor Lucio Tan). In this manner the flag carrier will not only market the perfume in its in-flight shops and duty-free catalogs but also advertise itself as "the best-smelling airline in the world" (despite its foul-smelling management policies?).

The Eau(rap) de Parfum Company hopes that someday its product lines will become some of the biggest exports of the Philippines. The company officials said also that they are negotiating now with former First Lady Imelda Romualdez Marcos, former Presidents Corazon Cojuangco-Aquino and Fidel V. Ramos, President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines (CBCP) and even Mike Velarde for their personalized brands of special perfumes, toilet articles and colognes. Can an Imelda Corrupting Scent, going along with her diamond-studded shoes, be far behind? How about a Cory's Sorry Crusaders Cologne? Or an In-Fidel Eau de Toilette for the comfort rooms of the foul-smelling multi, multibillion-peso Philippine Centennial Village in the former Clark Air Force Base that will only be completed when the Philippines celebrates its bicentennial in 2098? Or a Gloria's Eau de Parfum for Condominium Buyers in America? Or a Cardinal's Eau de Cologne for hiding the stench of bank fiascos such as that of the Church-owned, ill-fated Monte de Piedad Saving Bank? Or how about a "Be Like Brother Mike's" Eau de Parfum for the impoverished El-Sadai followers of the ultra-rich El Shaddai? (Editor's Note: Sadai is the Sorsogon word for small.)  # # #

 

E ditor’s Note: The Manila Times came up with the original story of the "Erap Perfume" in
http://www.manilatimes.net/2000/dec/29/top_stories/20001229top7.html

 and here are some excerpts:

"Still, the (Philippine) President can take heart from his admirers, one of whom apparently commissioned a personal perfume now much sought by collectors from the moneyed set.

"The new scent, simply called 'President Erap,' is billed as a 'natural' spray.

"Women (sic) recipients of the gift say it smells similar to Victoria's Secret and a Calvin Klein perfume, and can be used by both sexes.

"The perfume comes in a tube-shaped frosted glass canister, and packed in a powder white box.

"The back of the box has a dedication where manufacturers normally describe the perfume.

"Instead of featuring the scent, the text extols Mr. Estrada.

"It says: 'Full of heart and word of Honor. Transparent. His sincerity dazzles; his simplicity conquers.'

"'President Erap … the leader and the man. Capture him in a scent all his own.'

"'Simple… Essential… Leaving strong impressions on every man and woman.'

"The perfume is not sold in the open market and circulates mainly among the President's circle of friends." # # #

 



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Last Updated on Saturday, 27 December 2008 05:21
 

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