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Home Sections Humor & Satire G. Letterman’s Top-ten Reasons Why Americans Will Never Vote for a Filipino-American Presidential Candidate
G. Letterman’s Top-ten Reasons Why Americans Will Never Vote for a Filipino-American Presidential Candidate PDF Print E-mail
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Sections - Humor & Satire
Written by Goliath Letterman   
Monday, 10 August 2009 18:27

A merican voters will probably never vote for a Filipino-American presidential aspirant even at the primary elections. Why? Here are the top-ten reasons why a Filipino-American aspirant for the White House will fare badly at the primary and much worse during the general election – assuming that the Filipino wins the nomination of a small or major national party:

 

* 10. The United States will not permit a Filipino-American President to introduce the Filipino Theory of Relativity, which says that “the more a politician becomes famous and powerful, the more relatives (by consanguinity and by affinity) he (or she) has.” Yes, the White House will relatively (pun intended) run out of guest rooms and parking spaces.

 

* 9. The Filipino-American First Lady (or First Gentleman) will become the second-most powerful policy-and-decision maker (or will even veto the veto power of the President) and the United States Constitution does not allow it. Besides, the gaming industry of the United States will not like the First Spouse introducing “jueteng” in Las Vegas or Atlantic City and even in the Indian casinos.

 

* 8. Dignitaries, especially foreign guests, will be intimidated – and will even refuse to eat pork intestines cooked in pig’s blood (a Filipino delicacy called dinuguan) and worse, if the Filipino-American President were an Ilocano, the still-lukewarm contents of a goat’s stomach that has been slaughtered minutes before the State Dinner.

 

* 7. The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) will be filing too many lawsuits, as the new Filipino-American President and the First Spouse will decorate all the rooms in the White House, including the Oval Office with religious icons and hold fiestas for the Child Jesus, the Filipino saints and all the Filipino versions of the Blessed Mother nearly on a year-round schedule.

 

* 6. The White House does not have the facilities and the budget to host a Barrio Fiesta on Friday-and-Saturday nights – open to all the First Couple’s relatives and their kin’s in-laws and the in-laws' friends and the friends’ acquaintances and the acquaintances’ guests and the guests’ escorts, so on and so forth, ad infinitum, with Karaoke sessions, “pusoy” and mahjong games, ballroom dancing and unlimited photo opportunities thrown in.

 

* 5. The Secret Service will not have the budget and the manpower to provide security for all the visiting dignitaries (including the Filipino President, Vice President, congressmen, senators, Cabinet members, governors, mayors and even barangay captains and Filipino actors) who will visit the Filipino-American First Couple 24/7 and their return visits after a few months.

 

* 4. The United States Congress will never appropriate funds for the First Lady (or First Gentleman) using another jumbo jet to follow the Air Force One whenever the Filipino-American President travels to an American city or foreign country. Perhaps, the media will call the aircraft used by the First Spouse as “Air Force One-Half.” Why? The Filipino-American First Spouse will probably follow in the footsteps of Madame Imelda.

 

* Editor’s Note: Please read a related article,

 How Filipinos Christen and Call the Philippine Presidential Plane  

 

* 3. The United States Congress will never appropriate funds for a daily “Beer Summit” that the Filipino-American President will introduce, following the tradition established by President Barack H. Obama, and solve problems – both domestic and international – over cold bottles of Filipino beer and lots of “lechon” (roasted pig). (The American beer industry will picket the White House if this happens.)

 

* 2. The Secret Service’s and the White House Kitchen’s annual budgets will run out probably in a month as they will devote lots of overtime hours inspecting "Take Home" food after White House events or Filipino delicacies being brought in by the First Couple’s kin, in-laws, acquaintances and their guests or kibitzers as their “pot-luck” contributions. (The White House food tasters will collapse in sheer exhaustion.) And finally, the number-one reason,

 

* 1. The American political parties will stop at all costs a Filipino-American presidential aspirant because chances are – if he or she is elected President – the Filipino-American head of state will prepare the First Spouse to succeed him/her and perhaps declare martial law as a final option to prolong the budding political dynasty or change the government to a parliamentary system. # # #

 

  

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Last Updated on Monday, 10 August 2009 18:40
 

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