Forgot your password?
  • Increase font size
  • Default font size
  • Decrease font size
  • default color
  • green color
  • red color


Sep 27th
Home Sections Humor & Satire GMA Company Launches New Soap Brands
GMA Company Launches New Soap Brands PDF Print E-mail
User Rating: / 5
Sections - Humor & Satire
Saturday, 27 December 2008 04:27

Dateline Manila, Philippines, Dec. 28, 2008, Yimby Lampoon News Service 

A newly-formed Gloria Marketing and Advertising (GMA) Company announced today the launching of experimental soaps under its "Glory" trade or brand name.

The top of the line of the new soap brands is "Glory, Glory Halleluiah (GGH)," which will be marketed to members of the clergy and the faithful members of their churches. This new perfumed soap will guarantee that its scent will mask any sins that the members of the clergy may commit, especially those that are justified by arguments like the "will is strong but the flesh is weak" and other justifications. Company officials are banking on the premise that the clergy may also prescribe as penance the use of the GGH soap to penitents as an effective way to cleanse themselves of mortal sins. If this happens, the GGH may become the country's best selling bath-soap brand. One worry of the company officials is that their competitors may associate the "GG" with the fish called, "galunggong," which consumers may liken it to the smell of dead fish.

The company will manufacture and market a laundry detergent called, "Glory Linengrad (GLG)," which will be marketed as an effective soap to gradually cleanse even dirty linen that are displayed in public. The GMAC hopes to export this brand to foreign countries, especially the United States of America, where Filipino activists like Bobby Reyes like to display dirty linens of Filipino government officials and their cronies in the court of public opinion.

The GMAC plans also of launching a derivative of the GLG and call this  brand, "WWW," the acronym for whitewashing Washington-like anomalies. The company hopes to be able to sell a lot of this soap to Filipino and foreign government and private entities that need to whitewash potential and actual transactions that may be painted by the press as anomalous deals. The beautiful part of this brand is that an online version may be marketed not only to protect computers from viruses but also from hackers. The company officials did not elaborate on how the soap could be applied online. The said that they would reveal details of this new technical breakthrough in a subsequent press conference.

For erring husbands, the company hopes to market a special brand of bath soap that shall contain enzymes that will work to counteract the actual or perceived effects of aphrodisiacs. The code name for this soap, which is still in a testing stage, is "GAV," which perhaps may mean, "Glory Anti-Viagra."

The company is said to be researching on a soap that shall stop the penchant of some people from forever holding on to microphones and stopping speakers from delivering kilometric-long speeches. Since the GMAC R&D (research and development) executives hinted that this kind of soap shall contain extracts from honey bees, wags have dubbed it, "Glory Mike Beehon."

The GMAC R&D executives say that they are about to perfect a formula for a soap that shall make subordinate employees immune from the frequent tirades of their bosses. In the Filipino colloquial tongue, the use of harshly censorious language of office superiors is called "sabonin," which is derived from "sabon," the Filipino term for soap. This new GMAC product is intended to make feelings of the rank-and-file employees insensitive to the verbal outbursts of their bosses.

Then finally the GMAC company officials said that they are working on a soap that would protect airplane passengers from ultraviolet light and even the effects of sunlight when they travel to countries with desert-like environment. The GMAC R&D said that the company is working hand-in-hand with the Philippine Airlines (PAL) and their joint task force has adopted the acronym, GLT, as the tentative name for the soap product. Asked if the LT stood for "Lucio Tan," the PAL head honcho, the R&D people said that it could mean, "lose your tanning" risks. # # #



Editor’s Note: This was originally published in the now-defunct  on
Dec. 28, 2001, as sent by the Yimby Lampoon News Service


Related news items:
Newer news items:
Older news items:

Last Updated on Saturday, 27 December 2008 04:32

Add your comment

Your name:
Your email:
Comment (you may use HTML tags here):

Quote of the Day

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."--Steven Wright