Learning “How to Insult with Class” from the English and from Britain’s Foremost Scholar on Asian Studies

Our columnist, former Board of Investments Gov. Ben Sanchez, Jr., sent to this editor a collection of “Quotable Quotes,” to borrow the term of The Reader’s Digest. These quotes expressed the brilliant minds of wit and humor, especially among the English. Governor Sanchez called his e-mail, “When Insults Had Class.”

Governor Sanchez’s e-mail immediately made me recollect a day in 1970 when I met Malcolm Caldwell, Ph.D., in a private reception at the University of Singapore. Dr. Caldwell was teaching then in Singapore and people told me that he was probably the foremost English (or even Britain’s) scholar on Asian studies.

What established the immediate cultural bridge between Dr. Caldwell and me was a series of stories that I told those present at the reception at the University of Singapore. Except for Dr. Caldwell, it seemed that nobody among the motley crowd knew the much-celebrated encounter between Lady Nancy Astor and Sir Winston Churchill at the British Parliament. Lady Nancy was the American-born first woman member of the Parliament. It surprised me that even many of the college students (who I met) in Singapore, which was a former British colony, never heard much of the British wit and humor. Unless they were just simply respectful and allowed me to regale the people at the said reception, it seemed that only Dr. Caldwell and I knew the wit of the British, especially the English.

So, I started telling them of how witty Lady Nancy was. When she was campaigning for her seat in the Parliament, a heckler interrupted her speech. The heckler shouted, “Hey, Lady Nancy, if you are really that smart, do you know how many toes are there in a pig’s leg?” Immediately—without batting an eyelash—Lady Nancy answered, “Sir, why don’t you take off your shoe and count yourself.”

But poor Lady Nancy met her match in Sir Winston Churchill. One time, Lady Nancy and Sir Winston were engaged in a heated debate. All of a sudden, Lady Nancy said, “If I were your wife, Sir Winston, I would put poison in your coffee.”

Sir Winston immediately answered: “If you were my wife, Lady Nancy, I would gladly drink it.”

Dr. Caldwell and I became fast friends. We communicated by cable and by slow mail (as the Internet was not yet “invented” by Al Gore at that time). He visited the Philippines as my guest for the first time in 1971. He stayed at my residence and I took him to visit then Clark Air Force Base and Baguio City. I told Dr. Caldwell that perhaps I should christen him as “Malcolm Y,” a shade of the American activist, “Malcolm X.” Because Dr. Caldwell was always asking me, “Why?” Or he would ask, “Why not?”

And so during his stay in the Philippines for a week, “Malcolm Y” told me more of the British witty public figures. He cited his favorite witticism from Sir Winston was, “"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

Another favorite of Dr. Caldwell was Oscar Wilde, who said, "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Incidentally, Dr. Caldwell said to remember that Mr. Wilde was Irish. And if you want to insult a man whom you know comes from Wales or Scotland or Ireland, you simply ask him, “Where in England do you come from?” And “Malcolm Y” added, “Then you duck as soon as he replies.”

The materials that Governor Sanchez sent to me reminded me of Dr. Caldwell’s stories that completed nearly my education on the British wit and humor. Here are some of the most-memorable exchanges in British history, as quoted by both Dr. Caldwell and Governor Sanchez:

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one."
            –George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one."

            –Winston Churchill's response to George Bernard Shaw

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

            –Oscar Wilde

"You, Mr. Wilkes, will die either of the pox or on the gallows."

            –The Earl of Sandwich

"That depends, my lord, whether I embrace your mistress or your principles."

            –John Wilkes's response to The Earl of Sandwich

It must be the English in me, oops, the influence of Dr. Caldwell in me, when I replied in 2003 to an e-mail from Ms. Lourdes Corrales. She is the national treasurer and a national executive officer (NEO) of the National Federation of Filipino-American Associations (NaFFAA), I provided a BCC of my reply to Philippine Sen. Aquilino Q. Pimentel, Jr., as I was then his spokesman to the Overseas Filipinos.

Ms. Corrales called me in her posting in the NaFFAA_forum@yahoogroups.com as the “Filipino personification of the Devil” and that I should go back to hell. I simply replied, “Ladies, first.” Senator Pimentel said that my reply reminded him of George Bernard Shaw’s wit and humor.

By next installment, we will discuss more about my friendship with Dr. Caldwell.

(To be continued . . .)