O ne of our readers, Tom Kabala of Chicago (Illinois) and Los Angeles (California), sent this collection of stories about senior citizens and their witty, if not humorous, comments. Mr. Kabala says that the said stories and commentaries have been going around online and nobody really knows who the authors are. At the end of this Kabala  compilation are some Filipino adages and anecdotes about senior citizens, as gathered by this editor.

Ninety-eight and Counting

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”

“He was 98,” she said. “Two years older than me,” she added.

“So you're 96,” the undertaker commented.

She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

A Centenarian

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?”  the reporter asked.

She simply replied, “No peer pressure.” 

Senility and Easter

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.  

Prose and the DMV

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries,

A hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.  
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia . . .
Have poor circulation;  
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.  
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.    

   
More Prose and Exercise

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,  
So I got my physician's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, and jumped up and down

and perspired for an hour . . .
But, by the time I got my leotards on,

The class was over.  

Memories

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.  
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.  
Did I say that my memory's not as sharp as it used to be?

Overheard from Senior Citizens:

·        Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

·        It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

·        These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart are labeled,
"For fast relief."  

The Senility Prayer

  
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.  

 
Senior Citizens Should Always Remember This Adage:

 
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,   
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

A Filipino Adage on Aging:

Only water buffaloes (carabao) grow old. People stay young forever.

A Filipino Adage Against Saving for Retirement:

A man who has nothing cannot lose anything.

A Filipino Reasoning Why Poverty in the Philippines Is OK, especially for a Senior Citizen:

According to the late Max V. Soliven, the dean and doyen of Filipino columnists at the time he died: “It is better to be poor in a poor country than to be poor in a rich country.”

An Anecdote about a Filipino Senior Citizen in an American Fast-food Restaurant:

Filipino Old Man: “Why can’t you accept this coupon for ‘Buy One, Get a Second Burger Free’?”

Fast-food Cashier: “Because your coupon is from ‘Jack In the Box’ and this is ‘Burger King’!”

And finally, a Filipino-American senior citizen was asked by his equally-aging girlfriend on what was he thinking.

The Filipino replied, “Same as what you are thinking, Dear.”

The golden girl of a sweetheart blurted out, “You dirty old man . . .”

(To be continued . . .)