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Mar 28th
Home Columns A Cup O' Kapeng Barako Untitled pa … itong kuwentong kung ito
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Columns - A Cup O' Kapeng Barako
Wednesday, 10 June 2009 18:25

As I begin to write this story … I don’t know what to write about yet.  So, I titled this for now, “Untitled pa …”


What keeps turning over my mind is the Filipino dyok that follows.  It’s a classic now and rightly so.  At first, it looks like a dyok, but if you’re going to take a second look of it and analyze it a little, it’s actually TRUE among many Filipino friendships.  Here goes: short and sweet, but the message goes a long, long way, I think.  Enjoy.


Dalawang mag-kumpare.  Si Dong at si Bong.  Parehong mayabang.  Isang araw, nag-usap sila.


Dong: “Pare, ang galing ng aso kong si BHO.  Araw-araw, tuwing umaga, pagka-magkakape na ako, dinadala sa akin yung diario ko.”


Bong: “Alam ko …”


Dong: “Ha?  Papano mo nalaman?”


Bong: “Sabi sa akin ng aso ko.”


A nd that reminds me of a “DidoSphere” column, titled “Illegal Self Defense Techniques,” written by Dido (last name unknown) that appeared last week in Chicago’s Fil-AM MegaScene and on the Internet, and in a mass e-mail sent to the world of Yahoos and beyond.


No doubt about it, it was very well-written.  Dido is a talented writer … or shall I say, a talented FANTASY writer.  The BARAKO word for FANTASY WRITER, is … bullshitter!


Anyway … Dido said that he’s trained in several kinds of martial arts: Muay Thai, Pentjak Silat. Arnis, Goju Ryu, Kempo, Tae Kwon Do, Gung Fu, Kick Boxing, Wrestling, Aikido and Brazilian Jujitsu.


He also said that he was an amateur boxer and a Division II wrestler in college and that he’d “beaten opponents with one hand.”  And that his best techniques are such exotic-sounding names like the “flying guillotine,” the “kimura,” the “rear naked choke,” and many others too many to repeat and enumerate.


“Whether you’re man or a woman, young or old, muscular or frail,” Dido added, “I am confident that the self-defense techniques I will show you through these written instructions will enable you to walk away with your head up high and with confidence that you will be able to protect yourself in any physical confrontation.”


E arn your Black Belt in five minutes through Dido’s column, ha?  I tell ya, I LAUGHED MY REAR END OFF WHEN I READ DIDO’S STORY!  In fact, I swear, I almost choked from it.  Dido reminds of Bong in that dyok above … that I couldn’t help write this comment to him, CC the gang of DOMs:


Pareng Dido,

Wowowee!  I am impressed.  You’re awesome.  You’re Bruce Lee-Jackie Chan-Chuck Norris-Pacman-Superman rolled into one.  May I ask a question?  Is your Manong Perry (Diaz) aware of your amazing feats?


Immediately, JGL came on line and said this:

You missed two others: David Carradine and Pat Morita.”


Don Azarias came on next and said:

Pareng Jesse and Idol JGL,

You don’t have to go very far.  You both forgot our very own Bernard Belleza and Vic Vargas.  And, of course, Idol JGL is a very humble man.  But he holds a 6th degree in Karatan … ooops, I mean Karatehan.



Then Dido, sensing the brewing fun and laughter generated by his awesome fantasy story, jumped into the bandwagon and said:

Don’t forget Tony Ferrer, Eddie Fernandez, Bernard Bonin and Roberto Gonzalez who just recently died …


Then I wrote Perry Diaz, aka, Scoop.  Because of the way he would “outscoop” many of us, Fil-Ams ng mga journalists kuno, I nicknamed Perry, “Scoop.”  I also consider Perry a colleague, and a friend.  I think journalists are good people.  Most are highly intelligent, well informed and opinionated, and I like intelligent, well-informed and opinionated people.  So there.  Believe me, as enemies they’re of the worst kind, but as friends, they’re the BEST!  So, I’d rather be friends with the lot of them.  I am a coward, you see.


Anyway … Here’s what I said to Perry:

Hey Scoop,

You copying all these traffic?  Your silence is deafening.  Say mo kay Dido, pare ko?  Are you going to describe to us in detail, too, your secret weapons of destruction?  You know, where in one swift, silent, quicker-than-the-eye move, you can send any of your foes -- no matter how big and muscular they are -- to their final resting place.

So, come out, Scoop and be heard by all, especially by Dido.  Tell ‘em about your one-hand “grab and crush” technique.  And your “forefinger stab into the heart.”  Or that “middle finger up da nose” to rip up the face of your opponent.  Go, Scoop …


Then, suddenly out of nowhere, my Erapok, Bart, aka, BTubalinalCPA or simply BT, came into the fray and said:

Erapok (we call each other by that name),

I really admire your style of EMBARRASSING people.  Suaveng-suave.  (Smiley, smiley, smiley)  And you are good also sa pang-gagatong ng tao.  (Smiley, smiley, smiley)  Talab na talab doon sa ginagatungan.  I love the way you make them “pasok” sa mga pakulo mo!  Lalo na si Lariosa.  Ha, ha, ha!  Continue sa iyong pang-aasar.  You provide enjoyable comedies to everybody.  Ha, ha, ha!


Okey ngarud … in whatever way I can contribute to da people, will do.  But for now, folks, that’s all.  As to the title of this story … yeah, UNTITLED pa rin.  JJ


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Last Updated on Wednesday, 10 June 2009 18:55
Comments (2)
1 Thursday, 11 June 2009 20:10
I really cannot enrich this exchange because according to Dido he would like to hear from real martial-arts experts to settle the disagreements here.

Since I am only an amateur on this matter and the only thing I know that the best defense and offense is to run away from trouble that I did not start, I would suggest that before this thread escalates into something unpleasant:

Please avoid the use of insulting words. No name-calling.

Bawal ang pikon. Ang pikon, talo!

Don’t pick fights.

Be the first to correct your own mistakes, like what Perry did when corrected his “Jackson” to “Jordan.”

Don’t alter previous posts without indicating that you have done so.

Now, let the games continue!

May the most truthful win.

2 Friday, 12 June 2009 07:23
Hahahahaha jesse I hit a nerve no wonder I detected a slight jealousy on your part.

Again my article is not an attempt to teach martial arts. It is not boastful, just merely stating facts. I do not have to prove anything. If you are a true martial artist, you should have recognized the authenticity and truthfulness of my article. Yes I agree that perfecting katas (forms) like dancing requires a live instructor. I have mastered all Okinawan and Japanese katas from Naihanchin shodan (Shorinryu)/Tekki shodan(shotokan) to Gojushio and Empi.

Now, if there is a real karateist reader out there they will know what I am talking about and they will also notice a slight inconsistency that I purposedly made on the previous statement. I will not hear about the inconsistency from Jesse or Perry because they have no idea even if they do all kinds of internet research.

As far as Taekwondo, if you studied under non-traditional jhoon Rhee, you may have been trained to tumble and do some flying kicks. He left traditional TaeKwondo and started his own school. Ergo he did not teach you traditional forms such as Chonji and KoDang. He had his own tumbling and flying kick non-traditional forms, sort of like sports karate. I can explain to you the bunkai (application) of any form you would like to discuss. I respect the fact that you opened your own Taekwondo schools but this does not give you the right to remain ignorant of the virtues of self defense techniques in a real street fight such as biting and eye gouging and a kick to the groin.

No Thai boxer, taekwondo expert, karateist ever beat a good Mixed Martial arts practitioner because MM is more like a street fight except in a real street fight you can get out of submission holds by employing illegal techniques such as biting, eye gouging, groin kicking, finger breaking, head butting. Again, I can understand the hostility and jealousy from an old timer former taekwondo 1st degree blackbelt, but dude I have studied martial arts since I was 8 years old.

I do not claim to have a black belt in all the martial arts I've mentioned. I have been studying for over 30 years and I have a lot to learn still. I humbly attempted to show you ONLY street fighting techniques not martial arts in my DidoSphere article. Hehehehehehe if you would like to have more fun, let us hear from a from a real martial arts expert like me to discuss more technical stuff. hurling insults just shows your ignorance. How about it?



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