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Sep 29th
Home Sections Humor & Satire Aside from “Steakhood,” There Is THE Ultimate Solution for All the Problems of the Philippines
Aside from “Steakhood,” There Is THE Ultimate Solution for All the Problems of the Philippines PDF Print E-mail
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Sections - Humor & Satire
Written by Bobby M. Reyes   
Tuesday, 22 September 2009 07:46

Part V of the “Steakhood Movement” Series

By Bobby Mercado Reyes of
Sorsogon City, RP, and Los Angeles, CA.

T here is a simple solution for all the problems (political, economic, cultural or otherwise) of the Philippines. The solution is to just conduct nationwide plebiscites and ask the people of all the provinces, subprovinces and cities the constitution they would like to follow. The people can be given the option of choosing from among the following constitutions: A.) The 1899 Malolos Constitution; B.) The 1935 Philippine (Commonwealth) Constitution; C.) The 1973 Philippine (Marcos) Constitution; D.) The 1987 Freedom (Cojuangco-Aquino) Constitution; or E.) A new constitution of their own, so that they can declare their own political independence.


Editor's Note: This is the revised version of Part V of the series about the "Steakhood Movement" that Bobby Reyes has written as an alternative to the "Statehood Movement." Excerpts from this instant position paper were posted in several e-forums on Nov. 28, 2006.The "Steakhood Movement" is designed to provide many answers to the economic problems of the Philippines and other Third-World countries. Readers may access the earlier four articles by clicking on these hyperlinks:

Steakhood Is Better than Statehood


Steakhood Movement (Part Two)


U.S. Marines Follow Advice Given in “Steakhood Movement” Article (Part III)


Has the OFWs’ Economic Resource Center Endorsed the “Steakhood Movement?” (Part IV)


P erhaps the ultimate solution for all the problems plaguing the
Philippines is an orderly, constitutionalized (sic) Balkanization of the country. If almost all of the Philippine provinces, subprovinces and cities will decide to become independent countries of their own, then almost all of the political problems of the country will disappear and be solved.

This is how the "Ultimate Solution" (Balkanization) will solve the numerous problems of the

1.0       If all the provinces, subprovinces and cities will become independent countries, then there will be more than 150 countries that will arise from the Republic of the
Philippines. From the political standpoint, the political clashes among the citizens who want to become President of the country will disappear. They will have their own bailiwicks to turn to and become the President of their own back yard or home province or city.

             1.1      President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo (GMA) can go back to her home
Province of Pampanga and become its President or even its constitutional monarch, if her people so desire. She can rule forever like Queen Elizabeth II of Great Britain and change its constitution according to her whim and caprice. She can even organize her own Christian Church like the Church of England and be answerable to nobody except to God. And the Church of England-like denomination can be headed by her political enemy, now embattled Gov. Ed Panlilio, a Catholic priest on leave. The beauty of this suggestion is that her eldest son can be the crown prince and look for his own version of a Princess Diana.


  1.2       Sen. Manny Villar can become the President of the Republic of Iloilo while Sen. Mar Roxas will head the Republic of Capiz. Sen. Loren Legarda can become the head of state of the Republic of Aklan. Sen. Benigno “Noynoy” Aquino III can become the President of the Tarlac Republic – with the blessings of the Yap Family. Now Defense Secretary Gibo Teodoro can head the Luisita Republic, which can be like the Vatican State within the Italian Republic.

             1.3      Speaker Nograles can finally become President of the
Republic of Davao. Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile can become the President of the Republic of Cagayan. Ferdinand R. Marcos, Jr., can become President of the Republic of Ilocos Norte while Chavit Singson can be elected President of the Republic of Ilocos Sur. Even the First Gentleman, Mike Arroyo, can become the President of the Republic of Negros Occidental
and President GMA can become also his First Lady -- in addition to her position as President or queen of the Republic or Queendom (sic) of Pampanga. Adding the title, First Lady, to President GMA's credentials will truly elevate her further in the international community of achievers.

             1.4      Sen. Greg Honasan
III can become President of the Republic of Bulan (now Bulan City of Sorsogon) and as President, he can no longer organize any coup, otherwise he will only depose himself? Sorsogon Governor Sally Lee or her husband, former Sorsogon Gov. Raul Lee, can become the President of a People's Republic of Chinese Sorsogon or City Republic of Sino Sorsogon. Sen. Francis “Chiz” Escudero can capture the presidency of the Republic of Casiguran, which he can rename it as the Hispanic Republic of Sorsogon, so that it can receive huge grants from Spain and the Spanish-speaking world. Why, Chicago-based journalist Joseph G. Lariosa can even go back to his hometown of Donsol and organize a “Butanding Republic.” So, there will be no more political clashes among the present political lords but instead utmost cooperation and diplomacy may arise from the partition. They can even adopt a federal form and merge the four or more republics into the United States of Sorsogon Republics (USSR?) and possibly get grants from the Russian Republic. (This writer, being a Sorsoganon himself, can organize an Abaca Republic
, which is better than a Banana Republic.)

             1.5      Big provinces like
Cebu can be divided into several republics, so as to accommodate the wishes of the people. For instance, there can be a Gay Republic of Cebu that former Sen. John “Sonny” Osmena can head as its President. The other Osmenas who want to be President can run in the Strait Republic of Cebu, which may or may not include Cebu City or Lapu-Lapu City
, which can opt for their own political independence.

             1.6     And speaking of the political rights of the gay people and lesbians, there can also be organized in the Bicol Region a "Gayon Republic," the word, "gayon" (short for Magayon or beautiful) being pronounced as "Gay-on." This way, they can have a country of their own and attract all the gay-and-happy people and tourists of the world, starting with Elton John.

             1.7      Mayor Jejomar Binay can become the President of the
Republic of Makati
and, therefore, the present political crisis can immediately be solved. President GMA may no longer order his arrest, as both of them will not be answerable to the other.

             1.8      The City of
San Juan
may opt for independence and former Philippine President Joseph Estrada will surely be elected as its first head of the city state. So, new plunder cases will have to be dismissed, as it will be useless to try it in the Supreme Court of San Juan, the justices of which will be appointed by President Erap.

             1.9      In fact, the Balkanization will solve many problems. The archipelago may run out of presidentiables (sic), since there are right now less than 20 Filipinos who want to become President and there will be room for 150 or more Presidents. If presidential aspirants are not quarreling among themselves, there will be peace in the land.

                       1.9.1   This solution will also pave the way for the construction of a new Libingan ng mga Bayani in the
Republic of Ilocos Norte
, so that the late President Ferdinand E. Marcos can now be buried in a historic cemetery that he deserves.

                        1.9.2     Sen. Richard Gordon and his kin can coexist with the Magsaysay Clan. The Gordons can rule the
Republic of Olongapo while the Magsaysays can continue their dominance of the Republic of Zambales. Since the two new republics will not need the confirmation of the now-disbanded Philippine Senate, they can enter into a treaty with the United States to operate again as a naval base the facilities of Subic Bay.


E ditor’s Note: The ideas stated in the June 28, 2004, column of Filipino journalist Neal Cruz have been incorporated in this position paper. To view excerpts of Mr. Cruz’s 2004 article, please go to Remember the Neal-Cruz Formula for Dividing the Philippines Into Separate Republics?

2.0       Since all towns will become provinces, there may also be a shortage of people wanting to be elected as provincial governors, vice governors and members of the Provincial Board.

3.0       Since all barangays will become towns, there may also be a shortage of people wanting to be elected as town mayors, vice mayors and councilors.

4.0       Perhaps all sitios or even subdivisions or big streets can turned into separate barangays, so there will be need for hundreds of new barangay captains and other barangay officials. (However, if gay people will object to the use of "barangay," then barrio will become the politically-correct term to use.)

5.0       From the employment viewpoint, this proposed Balkanization will generate lots of jobs, as each new republic can and will create their own departments, bureaus and commissions, aside from a court, legislative, police, postal and other bureaucratic systems of their own. More importantly, each new republic will employ thousands of border guards to safeguard their respective borders, aside from having immigration and customs personnel to check on the passports and cargoes of people entering or passing their territory. With millions of jobs being generated, there will be lots of downstream projects that will result into countless multiplier effects. Why, the Philippine printing industry will boom, as there will millions and millions of orders for new passports, driver's licenses, etc., and etc. There will be tens of millions of new uniforms to be ordered and tailors will have a field day in manufacturing them.

             5.1      There will be lots of jobs, as there will be peace in the land. This proposed Balkanization will pacify the demands for independence of the Muslim population in
Mindanao, as they will have several republics, instead of just one Bangsa Moro Republic. These new countries may be named the Maranao, the Maguindanao, the Tausug or even a Badjao Republic(s), aside from having a truly-independent Sultanate of Sulu.

Basilan Island
may also be declared a separate republic and if the inhabitants vote for it, it can be named the Islamic Republic of the Abu Sayyaf, so as to make the rebels more responsible as the governing authorities of their own separate country. The Abu Sayyaf will of course have to abandon its extremist policies and become a peaceful organization.

                         5.1.2   The Lumads, who are the non-Christian and non-Muslim indigenous people of
, can be given territories treated like what the American-Native Indians have and which they can turn also into sites for lucrative casinos and resorts.

             5.2      The communist rebels can also be given their own separate republics by creating new provinces, oops, republics. For instance, the
Caramoan Peninsula in Camarines Sur can be turned into a People's Republic and be given to the rebels so that they can have their own country to run. A third Ilocos republic can be created and named perhaps as the People's Republic of Ilocoslovakia (a term the departed but beloved Max V. Soliven coined). And Dr. Jose Ma. Sison, who is an Ilocano, may be enticed to go home as its first President. This proposed Balkanization of the Philippines
can generate lots of good will and peace.

                         5.2.1   From their own territories (republics) that they control, the New People's Army can now run an international airport that they can name as "New People's Airport," which will be a bastion of peace and progress. For what tourists will go to a republic that is not peaceful?

6.0       From the geopolitical perspectives, the 150 or so emerging republics from the Philippine archipelago should become full-pledged members of the United Nations. When the next election for the UN President or secretary general comes, one of the 150 (former Filipino) new-republic representatives will of course become the leading candidate for any vacant position in the world body. The (former) Filipino candidate will have the necessary votes to guarantee his or her election.

             6.1      The bishop of Rome (AKA pope who heads the Vatican) will be forced to name a cardinal for most of the new countries created out of the Philippine archipelago, since many of them will have overwhelming Catholic populations (with the exception of course of the new Muslim and communist republics). It is estimated that there will be at least 120 new cardinals named for these new countries. Chances are during the next papal election, the cardinals from these new countries will have almost the necessary votes to elect a (former) Filipino prelate as the new pope.

             6.2      All the new republics may be qualified to borrow from foreign borrowers, governments and multilateral lenders, as all of them will start fresh (with zero balance in foreign debt). The present domestic and external debts of the
Philippines will have to be borne by the Republic of Manila
, which can be now foreclosed by the present creditors of the Philippine government.

                         6.2.1   Since the Imperial City, oops,
Republic of Manila will now be owned by the World Bank, the International Monetary Fund, the Asian Development Bank, commercial banks and the Central Banks of the G-7 Industrialized Countries, then it will become THE financial capital of the world. The Republic of Manila
will and can become bigger than Wall Street, which is a mere street anyway. Then all the neighboring republics can provide it with the workers, food, water, electricity and other necessities that it will need.

             6.3      Some of the new republics like the
Republic of Laguna and/or the Republic of Rizal may qualify to join the British Commonwealth, as indeed some of their towns were occupied by the British invaders in the 18th century. The people of Laguna and/or Rizal may, therefore, qualify for huge grants from the country members of the British Commonwealth, so as to add to their development budgets. (Right now, the Philippine Republic cannot qualify as a member of the British Commonwealth

7.0       From the economic viewpoint, all the new republics or states coming from the erstwhile Republic of the
can form a Common Market like the Europeans do. They can also have a common currency, which can be like the Euro. For want of a better name, it is suggested to adopt "Perro," as the Filipino term for money, "pera," was supposedly adopted from the practice of then Spanish colonial authorities, who called the Spanish queen who appeared on the coin as "perra" ("bitch").

             7.1      If all of the new republics that be born out of the different political subdivisions in the present Philippine Republic will follow strictly the tenets of the "Steakhood Movement," then there will be enough meat, milk, cheese and other products from the raising of cattle to fund all the socioeconomic projects of the 150 or so new states. The "Steakhood Movement" will enable the new republics' leaders to provide honest answers to the perennial query that people ask, "Where's the beef?" # # #

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Last Updated on Tuesday, 22 September 2009 08:59

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