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Sep 29th
Home Sections Humor & Satire How Iraq Can Solve America's Problems
How Iraq Can Solve America's Problems PDF Print E-mail
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Sections - Humor & Satire
Monday, 04 June 2007 11:42

Our editor received an e-mail, excerpts of which are reprinted hereunder: 


And now, George Carlin's (alleged) idea on how to fix the fuel problem as well as illegal immigration (by deporting the undocumented aliens to Iraq?). 


(President) Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport (the) 11-million illegal immigrants! That would be 11-million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.


Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it.


After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot.


This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for them. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved. UNQUOTE.


Pundits, Humorists and Wags


Our editor said that the e-mail could be a good story for our online publication. He assigned me, therefore, to interview some wags and pundits. This writer was tasked to ask their opinion of Mr. Carlin’s idea.


{ice 409 -link [Poet-pundit Fred Burce Bunao (left side of photo)]}


This writer called on Poet-pundit Fred Burce Bunao, the founding president of the Philippine-American Society of Pundits, Humorists and Wags (PASPHAW). We asked him to give his and/or his society’s opinion about the topic.


(Editor’s Note: The PASPHAW is also mentioned in the second part of the “Steakhood Movement” series. To read it, please click on this link:


Mr. Bunao said that apparently George Carlin's (alleged) idea of deporting illegal immigrants (to Iraq?) was lifted from a PASPHAW manifesto. The PASPHAW members in fact adopted a resolution that was addressed not only to President Bush but also to the United States Congress, American policy makers and decision makers.


The PASPHAW members suggested also that American citizens and immigrants convicted of illegal-drug use and distribution, drunk drivers, corrupt politicians like imprisoned former Congressman Randy “Duke” Cunningham and even graffiti artists be sent to Iraq to serve their sentences. And yes, even those caught doing the illegal drag races in the streets of American cities could also be sent to Iraq.


Send in the “Duke”


T he PASPHAW founder said that Mr. Cunningham could emulate the original duke of Hollywood, John Wayne, and rally also – with his much-decorated military experience – the American troops.


And graffiti artists would have a field day in doing their painting skills, as the Americans are building lots of cement fences in Baghdad and other Iraqi cities. Drag-racing aficionados also could serve as very-able drivers and their talents could go a long way in evading improvised explosives buried on the streets of Iraq. 


The PASPHAW members opined that the Iraqi people would not probably mind their country being turned into a modern-day version of Australia, which the English turned into a penal colony. The pundits said that Australia is now a very-progressive country – thanks in part to the original settlers, who served their time in the land of the kangaroos and devoted their years to productive work.


Send Paris to a Baghdad “Hilton”


P oet-pundit Bunao said that the Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) would probably support his society’s suggestions. He said that it would be better if Hollywood celebrity Paris Hilton would serve her 45-day jail sentence in Iraq. Yes, she could provide entertainment for the troops while serving time. She could emulate Bob Hope and Company and do what they did for the troops during World War II and the Vietnam War. Mr. Bunao said that at the rate Hollywood actors and stars are getting caught for driving-under-the-influence (DUI), there would be no shortage of entertainers for the GIs in Iraq and even Afghanistan.


The Fil-Am pundits, humorists and wags, preferred, however, that convicted drug users and narcotics peddlers be sent to Afghanistan, as that country is now one of the biggest homes of poppy growers and heroin producers in the world. They said that the addicts and their suppliers would really be happy to be in Afghanistan. After all, happiness is where the home is, to use an oft-quoted cliché.


“Wow” was all this writer could comment after hearing the American poet-pundit of Filipino descent describe how indeed Iraq (and to a certain extent, Afghanistan) could solve some, if not all, of the social ills that currently sap the moral fabric of American society.

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Last Updated on Sunday, 06 September 2009 18:44

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