A Filipino Satire by Bobby Reyes

Dateline Los Angeles, California, as updated on Dec. 27, 2010 (A Preview of the 2010 Niños Inocentes Lampoon Edition)

L os Angeles County health officials revealed exclusively to the MabuhayRadio.com on Dec. 4, 2010, that a rare form of bird flu has apparently infected so far two Filipino-American wannabe writers in Southern California. However, three more Filipino alleged journalists in the persons of Rodel Rodis, Greg "Lagareng Hapon" Macabenta and Perry Diaz -- all of Northern California -- have been reportedly infected also as of today, Dec. 27, 2010.

The L. A. Health Department says that it is a probably-mutated strain of the avian influenza A (H5N1) virus. The suspected origin is a Philippine bird (class Aves), which may belong to any of the species that are winged, bipedal, endothermic (warm-blooded), egg-laying, vertebrate animals. It has been tentatively code-named “Philippine-Expatriate Aves” influenza. Researchers informally call it the “PEx Aves” flu.

The new strain causes fever among wannabe writers and the high-body temperature makes them write fictional articles, which they pass off as alleged news articles, if not the gospel truth. It also makes the flu victims feel like doing a Filipino folk dance, even if there is no musical accompaniment. A severe case of the “PEx Aves” flu strain makes wannabe writers compose unfounded exposés against Filipino diplomats and tourism officers.

Suspected Carrier

T he suspected carrier is a wannabe writer who hails from the Island of Leyte, where a local bird called “tikling” of the rail species thrives. The bird inspired folks to fashion a dance called “Tinikling” (local term that means, “tikling-like”). The “Tinikling” is an indigenous dance that was said to have originated in Leyte. The folk dance involves two people beating, tapping, and sliding bamboo poles on the dance floor and against each other in coordination with one or more dancers who step over and in between the poles in a dance. The county health officials refuse to identify the Leyteño wannabe writer but he has been code-named “PEx Man.” He apparently passed on the flu strain to his wannabe editor of a Los Angeles-based Filipino-American publication.

This writer consulted Mar G. de Vera about the identities of Filipino-American writers that hail from Leyte. Mr. De Vera is a journalist, book author and is considered THE historian of the Filipino-American Fourth Estate. He says that he knows only of three living members of the Filipino-American press that hail from the Great Province of Leyte: Alex Esclamado (the original publisher of the Philippine News of San Francisco, CA), Greg “Lagareng Hapon” Macabenta (the publisher of the Filipinas Magazine and the Ang Panahon newspaper of Northern California) and Mr. Esclamado’s nephew, Dionisio Grava of Southern California.

Mr. Grava’s claim to fame happened when the members of the Media Breakfast Club (MBC) of Los Angeles, California, changed a Filipino idiom in his honor. The adage now reads, “Kuwarta na, naging grava pa.” Eventually Mr. Grava had a falling out with the MBC members that he was declared, “Persona non grava,” oops, “grata.”

“Aves de Rapina”

T his writer consulted also Joseph G. Lariosa of Chicago, Illinois. He is the dean of Filipino correspondents in the United States. He is the correspondent of the Manila Bulletin, the Tempo and other publications in the Philippines. I asked Mr. Lariosa if he has heard of the “PEx Aves” medical term, as he is one of the best “walking encyclopedias” when it comes to the Philippine Fourth Estate and Philippine-United States relations.

Mr. Lariosa replied that there was a similar use of “Aves” in Philippine history. He e-mailed back, “There was a libel suit I learned from my journalism school in the Philippines. It was about an American colonial official Dean Worcester winning a libel case against El Renacimiento newspaper for the editorial ‘Aves de Rapina’ (Birds of Prey) that alluded to and libeled Mr. Worcester.”

Since the e-mails to and from Mr. Lariosa get posted also in the e-forum of Filipino-American journalists in Chicago, a highly-respected publisher also commented about the topic of this article.

Bart SG Tubalinal, Jr., CPA, is the publisher of the MegaScene Filipino-American Weekly of Chicagoland. He e-mailed this writer: “’Pexman’ or maybe (spelled) ‘Peksman’ WAS our expression when we were young to mean ‘I swear to God.’ We used that expression as an indication that succeeding remarks we would utter were true. Bobby, ‘Pexman” is such a beautiful COLLOQUIALISM that should not be used in vain. I swear!”

This writer will forward to the L. A. County health officials the comments of Mr. Tubalinal, so that they may refrain from calling the suspected carrier AKA Leyteño wannabe writer “PEx Man.”

Finally, here is good news. According to some Marian devotees in Los Angeles, the bird flu afflicting the two Filipino-American wannabe writers might be cured by singing several “Aves Maria” religious hymns. It may just be a question of a leap of faith. # # #