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Feb 04th
Home Sections Humor & Satire Steakhood Is Better than Statehood
Steakhood Is Better than Statehood PDF Print E-mail
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Sections - Humor & Satire
Wednesday, 11 April 2007 09:29

There is an alternative to the "Statehood Movement" that some Filipinos and Filipino Americans are championing. For want of a better name, I am dubbing it the "Steakhood Movement."


Part One.

A Los Angeles-based Fil-Am pundit asked me to give more details about the "Steakhood Movement." So, here goes . . .

I came up with the term "Steakhood," when I remembered how wags used to call then Filipino anti-Marcos activists (like the loved and now-departed Raul Manglapus) in the United States as the "steak commandoes." Remember how people joked that instead of going back to the homeland to fight the martial-law regime of Da Apo, these Filipino commandoes would just met in steakhouses in the USA?

Then I recalled the slogan of then US presidential candidate Franklin Delano Roosevelt who had this battle cry, "A chicken in every pot," during the campaign at the height of the Great Depression.

So, why not have the "Steakhood Movement" to solve nearly all the problems of the Philippines? The slogan, "Steak in every Filipino table," will certainly boost the cattle industry not only in Batangas or Masbate but also throughout the homeland. For how can you have steak if you do not raise cattle first? So, every Filipino family has to raise a cow or two. The other multiplier effects in the economy are that if you have many cows, you can produce milk, cheese, hide for a tanning industry and help the shoe industry in Marikina and elsewhere, etc., etc. Then the food industry will have more corned beef, chili con carne, etc., and etc. to sell and/or export. The cattle dung will also serve as fertilizer and, therefore, prevent more "fertilizer" scandals in the Philippine Department of Agriculture, so on and so forth.

With a lot of cheese being produced in the Philippines, perhaps the Green Bay Packers will set up a farm team in the Philippines and this may end up reviving Philippine sports. Then if the country has so many cattle, then there would be need for cowboys. With a lot of cowboys in the country, the movie industry will get a boost by producing many "spaghetti westerns." The downstream projects will really turn the Philippine economy around. All because of steak. Cattle will become the cash cows of the country's elite and politicians, instead of pork barrels, etc. and etc.

And even from the viewpoint of morality, Filipinos may now adopt the practice of some African tribes that puts more value in a cow, rather than a wife or a woman (with apologies of course to the leaders of the Women's Lib movement). And perhaps change the idea of success among Filipino playboys masquerading as politicians or taipans. Success to these playboys may be no longer be counted by the number of mistresses but the number of cows they possess.

And speaking of counting, lots of cows in the Philippines will improve the teaching of arithmetic and mathematics in the country. Perhaps Filipino educators will adopt the Texan way of counting the number of cattle in a herd: Count the number of feet and divide the total by four.

The Steakhood Movement can solve even the ills of the present Dispensation. La Presidenta's title would become "Commander-in-Chef," as she could turn the presidential palace into a big steakhouse to feed all the politicians, her critics and (even) the hungry. If all the mouths are full, then nobody would be able to speak, much more talk ill of the President and her Cabinet. Aha, the Cabinet would really become a "Kitchen Cabinet," and all the cabinet secretaries, including the military bigwigs will be called as her "Chefs of Staff," "Agriculture Chef," "Finance Chef" and so on and so forth. There will be the Immigration Chef, the BIR chef, the Chef Justice of the Supreme Court, etc., and etc.

In the provinces, peace will reign, as all police chiefs will now be known as "Chefs of Police," and they would convert all the police outposts into soup kitchens for the hungry. Soup comes with an order for a steak (in whatever cut or method of cooking the customer likes), ngarud?

There will be more fun (and food for thought?) in the business world. CEOs will be known as Chef Executive Officers. And CFOs as Chef Financial Officers. COOs as Chef Operating Officers. The Steakhood Movement can prevent companies from becoming Enronized because it will harder to do cattle rustling than to window-dress financial reports.

I said that the Steakhood Movement could be brought to Iraq and other Islamic countries and perhaps solve their violent differences. If the Iraqi factions and tribes will instead pour their energies into raising cattle, then they would be butchering cows, instead of each other. Instead of cooking up improvised explosives, they could be frying or barbecuing steaks. The United States would be better off sending high-breed cattle as economic aid, instead of military surpluses for the Third World and developing countries.

Why, the pundit said that if I write down the concept of, the plans and programs for, the Steakhood Movement into a book, perhaps I could win the Nobel Prize for Literature. (The book is predicted to land in the Bestseller's List, as it will be patronized by the American cattle and dairy industries, the owners and employees of steak houses and, why, even the millions of Packer fans and all steak lovers.)  And the Steakhood Movement may also win the Nobel Prize for Economics. And perhaps do an unprecedented trifecta or a hat trick, winning also the Nobel Peace Prize.

Only my Filipino-American physician objected to the concept of the "Steakhood Movement." This HMO doctor said that letting Filipinos eat lots of steak would increase their cholesterol level and make them susceptible to high-blood pressure, heart attacks or strokes. But I said that the deadlier form is the high "kuliterol" level, which develops if a person lives or works with individuals who are really makulit (obstinate). End of medical discussion. # # #

Editor’s Notes: To read the other articles in the series, please click on these hyperlinks:


Steakhood Movement (Part Two)


U.S. Marines Follow Advice Given in “Steakhood Movement” Article


Last Updated on Friday, 02 January 2009 10:29
Comments (1)
1 Saturday, 01 May 2010 21:59
kailangan ito sa pinas


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If a man will begin with certainties,he shall end with doubts;but if he will be content to begin with doubts,he shall end in certainties.-- Sir Francis Bacon, 1561-1626