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May 21st
Home Sections Humor & Satire Top Ten List of What United Airlines Will Not Do
Top Ten List of What United Airlines Will Not Do PDF Print E-mail
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Sections - Humor & Satire
Written by Goliath Letterman & Bobby M. Reyes   
Wednesday, 12 April 2017 08:07

By Goliath Letterman and Bobby M. Reyes

According to the Coconut News Network (, there is no truth to the various rumors that the United Airlines will implement the following new security measures on their passenger aircraft:

1.)  Hire North Korean security agents as air marshals for their flights to Asia.

2.)  Hire Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) retirees to train flight attendants in how to subdue "disruptive-and-belligerent" passengers (DABP).

3.)  Hire retired police officers to train airline employees on how to use tasers, stun guns and handcuffs that deliver electric shocks in subduing the DABP.

4.)  Hire retired stars of the National Football League (NFL) to train passengers and crew alike on the proper way to wear helmets with a steel face mask and uniforms or travel attire with heavy padding.

5.)  Provide parachutes to the DABP that they will kick out when the flight is already airborne.

6.)  Install some electric chairs complete with hand-restraining straps for the DABP that refuse to avail of the parachute option.

7.)  Install a separate face mask that drops from an overhead compartment that will dispense sleeping gas to the DABP.

8.)  Install seat belts on passenger seats that can be locked or unlocked from the cockpit.

9.)  Employ only sexy-and-beautiful woman air marshals but who are actually well-trained marshal-arts experts.

10.)  And hire White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer (after he resigns from his job) as the new Public-Relations Director. Why Mr. Spicer? He is the only PR director who can best explain the difference between then-Chancellor Hitler's Luftwaffe and the United Airlines. # # #

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Last Updated on Wednesday, 12 April 2017 08:21

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"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' "--Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player